It's Dr., actually.

I took a vacation day this week. Yes, just one. I worked on Tuesday morning and counted some time I put in last weekend, then worked most of the day Thursday after dropping off Rachel and Amy for a marathon day at the airport. Then today has found me at home again, trying to work on some revisions for a paper. The data is all on my laptop and I require some material I have located here at home. (Wait, I got distracted with my excuses – I forgot I don’t work for you people and therefore don’t need to justify my work location. Sorry about that.)

I had a meeting on Wednesday. It was scheduled for mid-afternoon, and was really screwing with my well-planned day of sweating and shopping. I didn’t go.

I’m not at all one to skip meetings, so there is a whole story behind this. (Read: I’m going to make a bunch of excuses.) Background: I had a project planned. A basic plan was devised based on some work a lion found interesting. (We’re talking about work, ergo there will be animals involved. It helps me think of everything as cute and sweet when it’s actually bothersome.) We got a tiger involved for her expertise. Then we chose a gorilla to do some work in a different area. Basically, when you look at it carefully, I’ll be, um, bouncing a red ball. I need to gorilla to catch the red ball and toss it back to me. The lion and tiger are interested in a bigger picture – fitting in the ball bouncing into a whole set of animal tricks.

The lion, for a couple of reasons, decided to include a lion friend. The lion friend was interested in meeting with all of us, so let’s say he has a leopard as an assistant. Several months ago, the leopard set a time for all of us to get together. I talked with the tiger briefly a couple days before our scheduled time, and mentioned I’d confirm the meeting since we hadn’t received any definite location.

The leopard, when I called her, laughed lightly at me. “No, I didn’t confirm, so there obviously won’t be a meeting.” She said, and I thanked her for her time, let the tiger know then went about my day.

Lion friend asked if we could schedule another meeting, so another round of email was sent. Once again, a tentative time was set, and I added it to my calendar. Then scowled at it when Rachel decided to visit on that day. But, I decided happily, it hadn’t be confirmed! Yes, I should have called, but she laughed at me the last time! So I decided I was fine to skip off for a day of vacation.

I arrived home late that night, quite tired, and checked my email. Lion friend had sent an email saying that he had a meeting with all of us, but only gorilla had attended.

“Oh, hell.” I muttered, and Rachel asked about my problem.

I explained the situation, mumbled something about how I should have confirmed instead of assuming all was postponed, sent a short apology to lion friend and mentioned I’d call the leopard the following day. I got her voice mail.

We’ve scheduled the meeting for next week. My problem now? The lion, lion friend and gorilla got one email from her – it was polite and inquired on their availability. The tiger and I got a separate email that said she was “trying to schedule this meeting … again” which I thought was a bit catty, then offered us 2 times that 2 of the 3 men had agreed on. My question is regarding the 2 emails in general, but also as to why they broke down along gender lines. The ladies – myself, a PhD, and tiger, an RN – were treated in a somewhat afterthought fashion, I think. We were also addressed as Katie and Tiger, in contrast to Dr. Lion, Dr. Lion friend and Dr. Gorilla. In short, the leopard pissed me off. I believe I shall glare at her if she shows up at this meeting for what is, essentially, my project.

Lion’s assistant then sent everyone an email explaining that it was my project and that I should have been included on the email (she didn’t see the second one that had only been sent to tiger and me) and requested I send out some extra information. This went to the leopard. I also responded to the leopard that I would put this meeting on my calendar upon confirmation (because I can easily be catty myself) and included my Katie PolarBear, PhD, signature that I use only in introductory emails or, apparently, when people fail to deliver the respect that I feel is due to me.

Now, my problem with this situation is that I hate trying to appear superior based on my degree. In fact, I promised myself I’d never bring it up for that reason. I’ve now done it twice. Someone addressed me as Miss PolarBear in an email to several recipients, all of whom were addressed as Dr. I corrected him – not only with my little “look! I’m important!” signature lines, but an actual “Thanks, Dr. PolarBear” at the end of the note for emphasis. It bugged me that I did it though – seemed unnecessary and spoke a bit to my insecurity in my role here. I’m still learning and have rarely been addressed as Dr. PolarBear. Katie’s fine. Unless I feel that there’s some insult delivered with it.

I’m dreading this meeting, in short. I feel like I legitimately screwed up by missing the first meeting – there were reasons, and I wasn’t the only one who was absent, but still. I feel badly. But I also feel like I’m going to have this baseline “respect me, dammit!” attitude, which is uncomfortable and out of character for me. But it’s something that’s lingering in the “worry about this” part of my brain.

How badly do I suck? Really – you can tell me. (Though I might cry – so be gentle.)