and babysitting.Blue's Clues? Not incredibly impressed.
The Little One? Charming, smart, beautiful and a bit bossy. I'm very impressed with her.
She likes Nick (the laptop) almost as much as I do, so I have little time to type before she demands "pictures!" again so she can page through iPhoto.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for children (which is good since I have no opportunity to have one right now), but it's hard not to yearn when I can point out flowers, birds and kitties to her on walks, list shapes and colors and numbers, and look at countless pictures. She's ever so sweet. And I find myself thinking - just occassionally - that I really hope I get to have one at some point.
In other news, I've cock my head at people who claim that fight back when they feel depressed - battle the way it colors the worldview. I just didn't really understand it. And yet today, I found myself looking in the mirror, wearing jeans that didn't fit at all a few months ago, thinking I was hideously ugly. It likely doesn't help that my sister-in-law and her friend are wispy and giggly and younger than I am, so the comparison is less than ideal. Regardless, I very much wanted to opt out of dinner plans when I couldn't find a suitable top, all the make-up in the world wasn't helping, and my hair was completely unacceptable.
I should make a cave in this closet and rescue people from having to look at me, I told myself.
Then stopped, refused to linger in those thoughts, got ready and went out. It was difficult at first. And while I was distracted from it, I feel really negative - not about the world, but about me. I think I'm trying to fight those inclinations toward self hatred, it's not all that easy. So I still don't think I get it, folks. But I'll let you know if I figure it out.
6 comments:
OK, after I finished the post, I gagged twice while changing a diaper and just found myself wishing Vinko the Dancing Bear would go straight to hell. That song is freaking annoying. So maybe not having children yet is a good thing. In fact, I think it's definitely right for now.
The Little One though? She offered me another wipe when I told her I wasn't doing very well with the diaper. Such a darling. And if I go too long without singing along to the Baby Genius Nursery Rhymes type, I get a sharp, "Aunt Katie!" from her. I do love her a lot.
She sounds like a cutie.
I don't know how you are in social situations, but I try very hard to force myself to go out even when I don't feel like it. Once I'm there, and around other people, it's much easier to forget and enjoy myself.
Doug
Oooo, I'm so frustrated by people like that. Er, the ones who "fight back" against bad feelings. Because it makes me feel like I should be able to do it too, and I can't, so there's something wrong with me, and I was right all along...
The little one sounds very cute, though. :-)
Aw, she is a cutie! I love the way they walk with such purpose.
Hmmm... does what I said count as "fighting back" against depression?
I think of it more as tricking myself into ignoring it for a while... especially since being around people is the only guarantee I've found to temporarily lift depression. In fact it's very frustrating because it means whenever I try to talk to someone about it I'm around people, and thus feel better. Then I go home and feel worse again.
Doug
Doug-
I think you're right and the people I've met who tend to cope better are consciously limiting the control those feelings have over their actions. I think it's dangerous - especially when you're not feeling so stable - to start believing there's something wrong with you and that if you were somehow better, you wouldn't feel inadequate or lonely or ugly or whatever. I think if I can make myself go out or interact in some way, the distraction is very helpful.
I completely see Ceresina's point though. I listen or read when people talk about how they control depression (which I don't think you said at all - no worries there), and feel more miserable because I'm even bad at being depressed! Sometimes coping mechanisms work and sometimes they don't. I've spent too many days in bed, staring blankly at the TV, to say I have much of anything figured out.
I'm rambling - this isn't going very well, is it? 1. Depression is hard. I agree with both of you on that. 2. The Little One is darn cute. :)
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