The Confounds

When I develop methods, I’m cognizant of the fact that it’s easy to manipulate data. Convince myself that something should look this way, so if I just keep altering little steps, I can often get what I think I should. I remind myself in those tempting times that the data are what they are. Then when I finally get a trend I’m convinced is indicated by the data, I’ll meet with people. Each of these people will bring up some problem, and we’ll think carefully about what we have, often left to speculate on our original question because patient data is influenced by still more factors, many of which we’re not able to control. In understanding a problem, I think it's important to note places where my perception is flawed. Since I'm still stuck on the same problem, I'm going to go over a few things for myself. You are, of course, welcome to read along.

“Well, sure.” Cousin responded when I said I just wasn’t feeling well tonight and wouldn't be over to her house with the rest of the people. “But it’s also tough to go from living alone to having people in your house all the time. Hell, I have a family and I’m sometimes upset there are people in my house all the time! You just hang out, relax, and we’ll see you tomorrow.”

So I did. I’ve been home alone most of the day – doing work, resting, reading, taking a long shower without anyone knocking at the door. It’s been good – I feel much more calm and steady. Therefore, I’d like to address a point that may have caught your attention.

I’ve had two people visit recently – both of whom I love a great deal. First came Rachel, then Brother. I have strong feelings against their spouses.

I’d venture a guess that if you like me, you wouldn’t like Brother’s wife. We’re just very different people. There are, however, a great many people who would never want to spend a single second in my presence. I’m relatively serious though I do love to laugh. I expect thoughtful responses to my questions – there’s some feeling that if I’m having a conversation with you, you’ll have interesting thoughts and I can learn something. I’ll never willingly embarrass myself, which means I’m not so much fun. I get ready quickly, so while I’m presentable, I’m not beautiful. I don’t own a single thong, and I folded several of them for Brother’s wife and her friend while doing laundry today. At 19, I was deciding on an undergraduate major rather than a baby name. I avoided high school parties – didn’t want to get in trouble. Brother’s wife thinks that everyone should go to parties to “learn about themselves, not stuff in books.” (Good Lord, she drives me nuts.)

These 2 marriages are actually the worst examples I have. I’m not against marriage in general. I like Elle’s husband a great deal. I favor Carrie’s husband over her at many times. Cousin’s husband is great. So it’s not as though I have a hatred toward anyone who dares have a relationship with someone I met when he/she was single.

But…

Compatibility
I pay attention when I love someone. Therefore, there’s a feeling that I know that person – understand preferences and goals and have this sense of what a good partner would be. Brother needs someone somewhat fun but mostly steady – a stabilizing influence to a personality that tends toward excess. Someone who will respond to wild arguments with calm understanding so that he doesn’t get more wound up. Someone who takes care of him as he takes care of her – leaving him feeling loved and appreciated. His wife isn’t even close to any of those things. She’s rather a spoiled, vaguely pretty (but very thin) blonde. He liked the way she looked, wanted someone sexy and simple after Sarah (his ex-girlfriend) and her demands for good behavior and her family problems.

Rachel, conversely, is incredibly steady – she needs cheer and excitement and a nudge into the more social realm. A bit insecure, she’s also very vain. Compliments go a long way with her, and she requires reassurance that though you can’t spend all your time with her, you do miss her while you’re away. I was a friend and she was viciously jealous of time spent with other roommates. I told her she needed to find a mate who found that possessive streak endearing and cute rather than suffocating in its grip. He’d need to have the patience of a saint because everything she does it slow. Her husband has cheated on her which makes her insecurity even worse. She doesn’t talk much because he doesn’t want to hear her – so rather than drawing her out, he’s shoved her away and she shut down. There’s no more sparkle, and not much laughter left. I had to work hard to get a small smile a couple times.

Looking in, and admittedly with much more attention to a single partner, it’s easy to pick out flaws. To say that my loved ones could do much, much better. Because I know them. Or rather I did before someone stepped in and ruined parts of them.

Because I said so.
I understand being lonely. There are some points where somebody – anybody – is better than sitting by yourself, thinking about how you’ll always be alone. I personally can’t do this – need to believe there’s at least a chance I’ll fall in love when I’m with someone. But if dating for fun makes you happy, I think that’s healthy and wonderful. So I assumed that was what they were doing.

But I worry. So I clarified. Spoke with both of them and made sure they weren’t thinking long term. Outlined my concerns before the relationships got serious. Both Brother and Rachel assured me that they saw the problems and would certainly find someone more suited when they were considering marriage. So with a few parting shots at the people they were dating, I went along and would make a worried/upset face when talking to each of them about their current partners.

As time passed, I grew increasingly concerned. I think people adjust into relationships, grow to love someone because he/she is just around all the time. So I started growing more insistent about ending it. They should be available to those people out there who were more appropriate, to wait for more happiness in the future by being alone now. I argued outright and tried for subtle hints. I was right, dammit, and if people would just listen, then things would work out for the best!

Then Brother’s wife got pregnant, on purpose, I think. Her brother was having a baby, after all, and she was too stupid to make it through a nursing program (seriously – she was failing community college courses at this point). Brother didn’t want to get married right away, so they waited a year. A rocky year fraught with multiple arguments that made my mom progressively ill from stress. Financial difficulties, several arguments which found his wife (before she was his wife) at her parents’ house for differing lengths of time, increasing alcohol consumption and fights with his friends for both of them, a loss of spirit as he settled into family life at too young an age. (Not that early 20s is too young for everyone, mind you, but it was for him.)

Rachel’s husband, conversely, just moved in. She told him no, he brought his stuff. She told him to leave, he couldn’t find a place to live. Then she settled into being part of a couple – her first serious relationship – and wanted the security of having someone. He was always around, so when he finally decided he would leave if she didn’t stop with these silly demands that he help around the house or listen when she talked or refrain from calling her fat and ugly, she panicked. If someone tells you that you need them, eventually you buy into it, I think. So she did, and he holds completely control.

So part of my problem is that I said no. And I like being right. So though I lost to these spouses for now, the thought is that eventually I’ll win. Brother and Rachel will leave, so if I just hang on to my thoughts that this is bad, I’ll be rewarded for my diligence – vindicated when they divorce. So there’s some competitive influence here. I think I’m right, see countless signs that indicate I was correct from the beginning, yet didn’t get my way.

OK, but…
There’s the Little One, who loves her mommy a great deal. And that’s completely fair and appropriate and right. She should – her mommy loves her back. I think Brother provides a loving presence as well, and that – while things aren’t great – the status of their relationship pales in comparison to what’s best for their daughter. It’d be nice if they worked at being a better couple, but if they’re going to settle for being good parents, then I’ll content myself with that. But each time I try to like Brother’s wife, something like yesterday happens and all my carefully constructed “why she sucks” arguments come back to me. And it’s hard.

Rachel is trying to get pregnant now, so there will soon be a child in that situation as well. This causes me great concern – I’m gravely worried – but it’s not my decision.

My decisions?Well, that’s the other thing. I am jealous. Read this from Articulate Dad the other day and sighed heavily. I want someone who supports me while I support him. To talk and have dinner and make love. To look up and smile when he enters a room because I remember how thrilling it was to date him. To hear our children play down the hall and share awestruck glances because they’re so brilliant and we’re so lucky to be a family. I think Articulate is very lucky on a personal level, and while I believe he deserves his happiness very much – he obviously works at being a good husband and father – I find myself wondering what I’m lacking that indicates I can’t have that for myself.

Oh, then there’s Maple Mama and her anniversary post, which made me cry. I like her a great deal. I’m thrilled that someone I think is smart, funny and lovely found a man she can love so much. It’s hearing about relationships like these two – and others that haven’t been mentioned recently enough to make me wish desperately that I could find someone – that give me hope that the relationship I want is, in fact, possible.

But it may not happen. Good, loving, comfortable, sexy relationships are possible, but perhaps not for me. Within the past year, there have been a couple of guys – crushes more than anything else, I think. I fell in love with one and he, well, didn’t fall in love back. I thought he was going to at one point, but we’re very far from that now. But when the feelings were more mutual, I was thrilled for myself and eager to fix my friends (because I’m superior and annoying like that). After all, if I – with all my flaws and quirks and worries – can find someone who loves me, who wants to hear I what I say, read what I write, laughs when I’m funny and offers gentle advice and comfort when I’m sad, then it’s certainly possible for anyone to find such a love. But I’m coming to accept that it’s not likely to happen with him (sniffle, sigh). He’s exceptional – a really amazing man – and I think he’ll find someone and give over to her before he can help himself. I hope so anyway – he deserves a great deal of happiness.

The other crush mellowed easily into friendship and we still talk a good deal. He sends email asking if I’ll be around so he can call. We talk on the phone for hours, sharing enough opinions to be comfortable, but having enough to talk about to be interesting. He’s funny and smart and has a very pleasant voice. He also has a serious girlfriend with whom he’s quite in love. So while friendly attention is nice, it’s also a bit of a reminder that everyone pairs up but me. (Well, and you other folks online who are still looking, but trust me – it’ll happen for you. And I’ll smile when you write about it because I do enjoy seeing people happy. Then I’ll go to bed at night and curl into my pillows and cry a little bit. For as delighted as I am over other people’s happiness, I still wish for some of my own.)

So there’s some sense that I don’t really know what I’m talking about. After all, I’m not in a serious relationship, so when I say there’s supposed to be loving, mutual support rather than petulant, selfish demands, it’s easy to roll your eyes at me. Have I found a partner? Nope. So how can I make a decent estimation of what a good relationship looks like? I don’t have one – can’t truly appreciate the struggles of living with someone, of compromising, of being a little disappointed that there isn’t more but also content with the fact that there is something.

And I’m jealous.
It keeps coming through that I do want someone. I’m alone and would rather not be. Wish that as I lie in bed writing this post (Brother, et al. have returned and are watching The Grudge, so I scurried to my room to avoid any nightmares), there was someone who might try to steal my covers or ask me when I was going to sleep. That if I did have a nightmare, I could scoot closer to him and know I was safe. That I could buy groceries and consider his preferences when I did so. Could regularly fold laundry that wasn’t my own. Share coffee and the paper on Saturday mornings. Smile on my commute home because I’d get to share my evenings with someone I love.

I don’t have those things. And while I don’t think I need to be happy at the expense of others – so it’s not at all that nobody should find a partner while I still wait or shouldn’t celebrate their love and happiness – I’ll be honest and admit it might be coloring my view. I’m not crazy about the perception that when Brother’s wife called her mom, she was doubtless told that I was just jealous. That I wasn’t happy about plans for the new baby because I’m getting older and don’t have a husband, let alone a chance to get pregnant. I don't think that's the whole point, but it may be part of it. Maybe.

It’s hard to know the truth. I’d be on Brother’s/Rachel’s side regardless because I love them. I do think there are people who are good enough for them – who would make them better, happier people. But their partners aren’t those people. I try to handle it gracefully – they’ve made choices and I should respect that. But sometimes it’s difficult. Quite difficult. So while I appreciate your comments very much, I wanted to write a bit more about how I’m looking at this.

It’s quite amazing that I can feel more lonely when people are around than when I’m alone. These houseguests have reminded me of what I don’t have in addition to making me wonder if what I want is really possible for me. Plus, I’m depressed, quite frankly, due to a downturn of mood or hormones, I’m not sure. But they’re leaving Sunday morning and I think I can level out after that, though I’ll be miserably sad to see the Little One go.

I don’t like feeling helpless, and I do. About my own situation in addition to those of people I love. So while writing this out did help, I’m still at the same point. Sad, depressed, upset. So I’m going to sleep without a satisfying conclusion. And Chienne came in to curl up at my feet as I edited this, so I guess I'm not completely alone after all. She's not who I want, but she is a sweet little dog.