Me? I'm waiting.

I remember a few goals from my past. In high school, I wanted to be in the top 5 of my class of 200. I wanted to edit the school newspaper. I desperately wished for the Spanish Student of the Year award since a “friend” was convinced she deserved it more than I.

I graduated as Salutatorian, my GPA lower than a tiny girl who worked much harder than I had even considered. My speech was better. I did win the Spanish Student of the Year award, but also took home English and Science honors. National Merit Scholar – the long-shot to end all long-shots in my mind, fell into place as well. This was one of those big deals. It determined where I went to school, as the local university was out of our price range without the tuition waiver. I was voted Best Leader – not Most Likely to Succeed, which was fair as well as interesting. I was just really good at getting what I wanted, asking and nudging and making people want to do what was necessary to achieve my precious goals.

I struggled with new goals in college. Just sort of drifted through, doing well in classes, participating in a few activities, making a few really amazing friends. For a while, I really wanted Gabe. I think it was motivated by some desire to latch on to his plans. He was going to medical school, had firm plans for what came after that, was looking to get married within the next couple years. I coveted his goals – something to work toward, even if it wasn’t necessarily for me. It would save me from this existence without direction.

Gabe did, in fact, marry a year after he graduated. I believe he’s doing well now, and hope he and his wife are very happy. I’m grateful it isn’t my life – I like what I have instead.

Upon realizing that I would need to make my way through this next little section of life independently, I decided I needed a goal. What did I want from my final year of undergrad?

I decided to focus on 2 accomplishments. I felt graduating summa cum laude was in order. I also wanted to find a way to go to grad school for some sort of stipend, thereby getting a graduate degree with as little debt as possible.

Did that.

Pleased with myself, I rapidly devised a whole life plan based around 2 years of graduate work. I already mentioned that didn’t work out. I abandoned those goals pretty happily though, certain that I would come up with something else.

Except that I haven’t. What I wanted from my job search last year? A house. No more renting apartments – I wanted to own a home. I wanted a fenced back yard – a dog door offering Chienne freedom to be inside or out. I also wanted a king-sized bed. I had enjoyed sleeping on them during my interview travels – enjoyed that I could lie vertically or horizontally, never feeling my feet hang off the end. Plenty of room to flop around or create walls of pillows. That was it – a house, dog door, and big bed.

I haven’t set goals since my arrival here, and I’m so not a ‘go with the flow’ type of person. All this energy that could manipulate people into giving me what I want, a strong work ethic when properly focused that gets tempted into laziness when bored, ambition, a sweetly collegial attitude. All could enable me to reach some goal if I just knew what it was.

I don’t know where I’m going, folks. I see myself staying here for another two years, give or take 6 months. Then I’ll look for another job – what kind of job, I’m not sure.

Industry has always appealed, but more because of the money and atmosphere. I really don’t think I want to teach, but I could figure it out if I had to. I like doing research, enjoy the idea of guiding students on an individual level. Or I could do something completely different. I like what I do, but I don’t feel it is vital to my happiness. I’m actually relatively confident that I could work in an unrelated area and be quite content.

The problem is that I can talk myself out of things I want. So hurt by disappointment, I can convince everyone that I never aspired to something all that much. Eventually I believe it too. Perhaps marriage isn’t for me, I think softly. And I could be happy living alone. I’m not unhappy now – there are certainly days where I’m lonely, sad or frustrated, but my guess is that some married people could say the same. The thought of attaching myself to someone who isn’t right – I want water with chocolate, if you’ll allow my reference to an analogy – holds no appeal. So perhaps I’m not as strongly driven to marriage as I need to be.

I do see a child. That part has been pretty clear for me. The husband section of the goal has historically remained blank. I see the space for him, but can’t figure out how to fill that blank – have guarded that blank pretty carefully. But children – or at least a child – that’s clear. I’ll have one. Wait for as long as I can for a man – not 'a man' - the right man – to appear already, then decide that it’s time for me to be a mom. I’ll have that, I tell myself comfortingly. Not now, perhaps not as soon as I want, but someday.

But as for now? I feel like I’m waiting. Perhaps the grant decision will provide some professional clarity. That would be nice. I don’t know that I’m ready to get married, even if the right guy showed up and offered a stunning ring. I know I’m not ready to have a child, especially realizing the possibility that I might have the little one on my own. So I’m waiting.

And that leads to days like today. Mindless television, different routes through my neighborhood to walk the dog, no cleaning, no yard work, not even reading a book. Just waiting for something undefined. For the next goal to emerge so that I can move more confidently in some direction.

It’s not sad. This isn’t at all a “Hi. Please feel sorry for me. Thanks.” post. I’m fine, pretty content, rested, smiled over lame reality TV (Dateline right now, My Super Sweet Sixteen this afternoon, The Real Housewives of Orange County before that. I keep telling you guys I’m not all that smart! Though I don't need excuses, I will say that I don't normally watch any of these shows, but was vastly entertained by them today), curled up in the house I wanted so badly (with a doggy door in the kitchen and a king-sized bed in the master bedroom).

I just wish I was working toward something concrete – that if my life were a novel, I could flip forward and check several chapters in the future. But for now, I’m working (though likely not as hard or consistently as I could), doing some volunteer work and planning more, looking forward to some travel to see friends. I’m good – just unfocused and not sure how to work my way out of it.

Until then? I guess I’ll find out how Blood Ties ends up on Dateline, and hope that someday I can read this and think, “How lovely. You were waiting for something good.”