This link

Mom had an immediate question whenever I would complain about frequent headaches growing up. I had migraines but refused to swallow pills – just couldn’t make myself do it for some reason. She eventually got frustrated with me, and would allow herself only a moment of sympathy - because I truly was miserable - then would ask her questions.

“Did you take anything? Can I get you some Advil?”

I would shake my head, offer pitiful excuses about how I just couldn’t swallow pills, and would head back to my bedroom to writhe in pain. She tried to force medicine a couple of times, but I quickly fell into stubborn refusal and she gave up. Would leave me alone with the brown tablets, offering only that she didn't know what to do for me other than that.

The lesson? Help myself. If something in life is bad, I only get so much time to whine about how it hurts before someone I love is going to ask what I’ve done to fix it. Because at no time have I been left without choices. There are decisions leading up to certain events and responsibility must be taken for them. Then there are choices in the present. An assessment of my current situation – what I like, what I don’t, what I want – and a simple acknowledgment that I get to figure out where to go from here. If I want to stand still and whine? That’s fine. Healthy, even. It has a time and place. But the better choice is to go to church. Then do yard work, then clean, then work. Something might work me through my mood.

I was bored last night – feeling too lazy to do work, finding little of interest on television, and nobody was writing anything for me to read! I scowled and noted that my amazon order would arrive today – not so helpful last night. So I checked site statistics – an old hobby – and was surprised at the number of strangers who had arrived. A quick check informed me they were coming from the same location. Did you miss my link? No worries – I have a screen capture.

After a moment of surprised pleasure (That second link is to me! I write that!), I noted the new visitors and went to sleep, content. I do enjoy new readers. I woke up this morning, quickly checked email and thought to look at site stats. 50 people before I left for work. Wow.

So I did what I do best – I worried. What if someone I knew found this? It’s obvious that I wrote it. While names and some details have been changed, the stories, memories, style all clearly belong to me. Would it be a problem at my current institution? Cause me more than mild embarrassment if someone from grad school read this knowing I wrote it? All sorts of questions were tucked in between making my way through piles of work. But then I thought more carefully.

I didn’t start writing this lightly. I wasn’t doing well here in the beginning. Found myself cycling through the same short, unproductive days at work. Drove home early to spend mindless evenings watching television and reading blogs. I didn’t want new friends, couldn’t even make myself keep in touch with those I already had. I didn’t really want to be here – couldn’t work up any motivation to make meaningful progress at work. Hadn’t found a church. I just wanted to sit in my house – at least I had achieved this part of my life goals, though I wasn't finding much pleasure in it.

If I’m fond of this blog – proud of what I’ve created – it’s more because of how it’s changed me personally. Looking at what was going on, wanting to accomplish more at work, forcing myself to connect with people – sometimes just to have something to reflect upon for posts. Whatever the reason, it worked. I got better. Started taking steps forward.

Is every step a good one? I hardly think that’s likely. Just as every post isn’t all that worth reading. Even if I’m moving in the wrong direction, at least there’s motion. I’m looking around, getting to know people, asking better questions, laughing a little more. And though I’ve moved away from posting every day, it doesn’t take me long to miss being here.

Change is scary – that’s a big theme. Sometimes it’s easier to cope with the headache you know rather than taking an unfamiliar pill that only might help. The revelation for me today was that I’m not going anywhere. Not taking down any posts, will continue to offer you more information than you probably need about me, telling stories, slowly reaching conclusions which some of you might have seen from the beginning. It’s important somehow.

It’s no small comfort, by the way, to see the familiar cities mixed in with so many new ones as I look through statistics. To smile and know that some of you like me – come to read and comment – and hope that a few of my new visitors might become friends as well. I’m glad they stopped by – am so very flattered by my Around the Web link. At the same time, I’m pleased it’s someone else’s turn. While change is lovely, there is such a thing as too much too fast. At least for me.