On being still (or stuck - I can't decide)

I could lie and say I’m still not feeling well, but I’m basically better.

I could tell you that the male/female friendship series just won’t flow, though I am trying to write it. That’s actually true.

I’m feeling a little disconnected lately. If I use my grant as analogy, it’s like life in general is going to happen, but the direction is basically out of my control. I just have to wait for a little while, then someone will tell me if I get to move ahead with my plan or if I have to find an alternate option. Whether or not I receive funding is based on the proposal that’s written and sitting in Bethesda right now. So I should be doing the work regardless, but I’m struggling to find motivation. Why is that?

I keep trying to find a project that inspires me. Am thrilled to work with so many of these people that I eagerly attend their meetings, print out papers, happily read them… but then there’s some glitch in getting started, and I lose interest. Just sort of disengage and drift away. There are stacks of papers and neat files containing all these possibilities, and I find myself depressed because what if that's all they end up being? Lost opportunities to learn and make progress.

Which is basically what happened with this blog of which I’m so fond. I’m reading a lot – smiling over your stories, worrying over your problems, trying to comment when I can think of anything interesting to offer. But in terms of what I’m putting out there? Eh.

Another example? OK. Many of my friends – all but one of the women I went to school with, actually – are contemplating children at some point in the near future. I’m thrilled for most of them – can’t wait to hear stories and see pictures and buy gifts. I am, after all, an excellent Aunt Katie, even in an unofficial capacity. But I’m looking at all of them and just anticipating the moment where they all have beautiful children, and I, quite simply, don’t. I know I have time and that if it were all that important to me, I’d be dating like crazy and trying to get married. But I just want it to happen! Someone should just show up and pick me. Am I not delightful? Yes, I know – not so much. But still.

Then there’s the upcoming conference travel, which I do enjoy. But I’m presenting work that I did over a year ago – looking at this poster that I spent the day creating and pulling images from my thesis document, finding text I had written at the conference last summer, remembering conversations on this exact work last May. I’m stuck, I think. Looking backward and trying to see what happened – what went well, troubleshooting problems, then waiting for IRB approval, anticipating possible problems. So it’s not my fault! Once I have the appropriate permission, I’ll start to work. I will. But for now? I’m revising year old posters and manuscripts. Spending time writing and meeting and talking about research that just doesn’t seem to happen.

Waiting for something to happen – someone to make a decision perhaps – that indicates which direction I should begin to move. Because sitting still is getting old. Yet I'm not doing much to fix it.