Is it over yet?

Yesterday was bad. In fact, when I kept waking up through the night and into this morning, I thought today would be equally bad. Stressful, bleak – something to endure.

When I took tests in college, there were some that I could tell would be tough. Decided well in advance that I’d study some but not a lot; aim for reasonable rather than impressive. Walking out of those exams was pleasant – knowing that it was over and I could stop worrying about it, feeling as if I should be preparing more though I’d earlier decided against it. There was nothing more to do – I wrote down what I knew, shrugged off what I didn’t, and moved on.

That was the best case scenario for this grant, I thought. That I’d be miserable one more day, nearly cry, get viciously angry, alienate some people, but perhaps be glad when it was over. Worst case scenario involved not only failing to send the grant but getting disciplined for throwing an impressive tantrum when people refused to give me what I wanted!

On my drive in this morning, having consumed only a single cup of coffee with the hopes of remaining mellow, awake despite my 4 30-minute naps that provided rest last night, I was ready. I knew there would be administrative problems and if either of the staff members was feeling poorly about me, the day would be nothing if not long. I was surprised when they both greeted me with smiles and friendly questions. As I knew more and more answers, sat by each of their desks in turn to offer suggestions on formatting, made phone calls, went to fetch coffee and soda, they got even easier to work with.

To be fair, I screwed them over. Asked them to do something which was technically possible, but a large hassle. The excuse that it was how I worked in grad school wasn’t really a valid one either. Yes, someone should have told me the rules and there should be allowances for my business trip last week. But I also should have asked questions about timelines and which staff member was responsible for which section of the grant. I expected to do it all myself though, so spending the day helping with forms, printing, page numbering, putting lines after headers and footers? I really didn’t mind. I value the time of support staff a great deal – it was never my intention to belittle them. Once that was established, I spent a relatively pleasant day.

I left work feeling my pouting playlist was inappropriate. I didn’t need to feel sorry for myself anymore! All by my research proposal was perfect and printed! All I had to do were some minor revisions of the final section, print, and carefully fill the blanks in my table of contents. I just finished it – tucked the final 25 pages in a folder with post-its on the sheets that need to be copied in color tomorrow. It’s done. Printed into existence. We’ll go over it tomorrow, wait for 3 more glowing letters describing the wonderfulness and bright potential that is me, get one final signature, then mail my little grant off to the NIH.

The only thing left to confess? I actually think it’s good. I said that softly though – the chances of this getting funded are rather miniscule, I think. But I’ve been parts of grants that are crap. I can look over them, see the format imperfections, the inconsistencies in page numbering, references that are missing, methods that are clearly not defined properly, significance sections that fail to provide any justification for the research at all. Garbage, really.

I was a bit surprised to realize that my text wasn’t trash. It makes sense. It flows in a few different directions – all with strong educational components and immediate clinical impact – but has a strong central theme. Every single person – clinical and basic science – that I would have wanted to list? They’re listed. I have 40 pages of biographical sketches that showcase what I believe to be impressive physicians and investigators. These people like me – want to work on these projects and tell me what they know. We have the equipment too – some of which simply can’t be found elsewhere.

So maybe we have a shot. I found myself thinking “wow” several times today – I think it’s a strong effort. So I’m left feeling grateful that it’s almost over – that tomorrow will take this application out of my hands for several months at least. But I’m also feeling unexpectedly proud – of myself, of my institution, of the people with whom I work. I want to do this research – will, in fact, do it regardless of this grant outcome. I see where my career could go. Perhaps I accidentally figured out what I want to do with my life in putting this application together.

Isn’t that lovely?

You know what else is lovely? This is the last post on the grant. So now all of you can be grateful it’s over too!