Wall? No problem.

Earlier today, I was thinking that life as a post-doc was pretty good. I work with great people, get to do projects which I find particularly interesting, quit working on those I dislike, spend time reading – for work and for fun, travel at will, take beneficial but exhausting courses. Basically, I selfishly focus on career development while making enough money to have a house, car, and some extra disposable income.

This morning, as a reward for finishing all of my text for the grant, I used said income to pamper myself a bit. I had a massage – a truly excellent massage that released all that pesky tension I carry in my neck and shoulders. Then a pedicure so that if I find myself ducking my head in sadness or sleepiness, at least I’ll see my pretty toes. As I was being soothed and smoothed, I thought easily about my life. Hoped I would get this grant funded, but I’ll be fine if I don’t. Wondered where I’d work next since I’m quite sure that my current job is not, in fact, the overall lake. Wished for a husband and family somewhere in that soft, dreamy future. And decided with a smile that my problems aren’t so bad. There are many people who struggle more than I. And though I get stressed and worried and miserably upset, I’m actually extraordinarily lucky.

I got to work around 2:30 this afternoon. Pleased with my grant progress, knowing there were only institutional sections left to finish and hoping that someone had jumped in to write those (knowing I’d likely have to do it myself), I stopped briefly at my desk. While there, I smiled happily at unexpectedly good email, then skipped off to check in with my boss and his secretary. All went well and we each chose some work to do, then decided to meet tomorrow so we could mail the application Thursday morning. On my way back to my office, I picked up the three letters that had made their way to me – hoping to include one more in my packet but knowing I didn’t need to do so.

I stopped back at my desk, put a few more files on my pretty USB drive, and started out the door a mere hour after arriving. Once again, I thought life was pretty sweet. Then I hit a wall.

The wall told me I couldn’t possibly submit the grant since the wall needed much more time to complete its small section. So I blinked back tears, fell rapidly into bleak sadness, then stopped. I thought about the one thing I think grad school really gives students. Through all the days you work when you could be doing something else, when you struggle financially as well as emotionally, when you make great friends only to watch them depart for far away places, the isolation, the collaborations, the mean people you tolerate and sometimes learn to really enjoy, the defeats – journal rejections, travel to meetings that falls through, ideas that have already been published, papers that don’t give you the most vital piece of information. Grad school can be hard, but it made me stronger.

So I looked at the wall, leaned forward, and smiled tightly. I informed the wall, quietly but firmly, that the grant would be sent on Thursday. The wall could refuse to help and I’d work around it. Make noise, cause problems, whatever. But the grant? It’s going out. “No question.” I said before leaving the room. I went to get a number for the wall and tried to calm down a bit. I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but I tend to get a bit dramatic in times of stress. And it’s not good to yell at people who work around you, right?

So I returned, gave it the information, and informed this wall that my “wall” in grad school was a gorgeous window – full of light and promise and could do its job in mere hours rather than weeks. That probably didn’t help. But you can’t win every battle.

I will, however, win this war. I fought back panic – thought about all the good facets of my life, took deep breaths, considered all the friends I’ve talked to this week. Grad school taught me that I need people in times of stress – email, phone calls, hugs, smiles – they help keep me stable and productive. The massage, pedicure, curling my hair in the mornings, putting on make-up? No less than 3 showers each day? All coping mechanisms.

The knowledge that I’ve handled situations harder than this? That pushing back my defense ended up fine? Knowing that I’ve had people tell me no before and worked around it? Realizing that this job – any job – is a piece of my future, but hopefully not the most critical part? Knowing there are people out there – those I know and those I know of – who are smart, funny, interesting and wonderful? Those thoughts came only with experience for me – through rough times in grad school and into this post-doc, meeting people, failing, succeeding, finding my sources of strength so I can move forward.

I held up today. Stood my ground with the wall, gathered other resources at the office to ensure this grant would tuck into an envelope and head east later this week. Then I drove home – listened to music and thought about people I love. Then I utilized another grad school skill – drinking while remaining productive. So I’ve had a couple glasses of good white wine, and I wrote. There are still missing sections, but I have all but 2 pages printed. Have highlighted questions or areas which could still need work. It’s almost done, but the certainty that I can, in fact, pull this off? Perhaps grad school was quite worthwhile after all. Because wall or no wall, I can do this.

I'm certain.