Stepping away from the PowerBook

The good news is that I have stories! The bad news is that I have little time and energy. I'd like to say something important and interesting, but I find myself sleepy.

Since I can’t summon the energy or time to continue with my previous post, I thought I’d explain my current situation. I had meetings today, which isn’t necessarily new. I have had copious meetings since arriving here. In fact, I talk to people and think and write. There’s very little work involved – taking data, troubleshooting, writing code, looking at graphs, trying to figure out that stupid outlier.

I sat in a seminar this morning, watching someone frown over low-frequency oscillations that weren’t associated with any particular population or drug state. I was violently jealous for a moment – I want unknown sources of noise! Graphs! Results that don’t make sense! I’m forgetting what I did in grad school. So I distracted myself with email in the moments before my next meeting.

I rode the elevator up to talk to my icing. Dr. Icing wrote a brilliant letter for my grant. He wrote a brief email when it was done, saying his secretary would bring it to me, and noting that it “glowed in the dark.” In catching up with life in general, I asked him about this alternate project we had briefly discussed months ago. My ride in the ancient Otis elevator – a bit scary, but with a gorgeous bronze control panel – took me to meet with his research staff.

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that my preparation for said meeting included printing a couple of papers that I should have read long ago. But that’s not all! Sheepishly I’ll admit that I freshened my lip gloss, powdered my nose, checked my hair, and replaced flip flops with pretty shoes composed of 2 navy ribbons across the toes, a pretty little bow, and a 2 inch heel. I admired the way they clicked down the hall while my pretty pink toenails peeked out, then smiled at the way my hair curled. I felt quite pretty.

Then I arrived, was offered coffee by each of 4 men, and honestly? While I waited for the meeting to begin? I continued to admire my shoes. And pedicure. I began to grow concerned when we started the meeting with only 4 people, Dr. Icing having yet to arrive.

Um…where are the people like me? Who know my field better than I do? Wait! Am I supposed to answer these questions?! I don’t know! I was just thinking about my feet, for crying out loud!

People like me weren’t coming. Dr. Icing arrived to sing my praises, telling his team how thrilled he was that I was there, how much I had to offer their research as well as clinical projects. I was torn between preening and panic. They were offering me data and I was frantic to ask the right questions, trying to figure out where I wanted to start, talking about this retrospective project while taking my turn in discussing a new prospective study that would incorporate appropriate ideas from my field.

At one point, I finished speaking and raised my eyebrows at myself. I kind of know what I’m doing here. Might be able to pull this off – actually do some work rather than endlessly talk and plan and think (and email and write on my blog and read other blogs).

I’m excited. I’m remembering how much I like what I do! Yet I’m already tempted to do nothing but sleep until I get this data because it’s the beginning of the end for my boredom. These clinical projects that I keep speaking of? They’re going to all start at once. All work and planning will coalesce, and this time I so enjoy? It’s going to be lost in the midst of 70 hour work weeks and bringing reading home to stay even slightly above water. I’m anticipating the exhaustion – not sure if I’m scared or thrilled. Perhaps a bit of both.

So I’m taking the weekend off from any and all online activity. That’s right – my only mode of communication will be in person or over the phone. Friday, Saturday and part of Sunday will find my completely disconnected, and I hope it brings rest and focus so that I can return with entertaining stories for you and tremendous motivation to work. I hope. Because I don’t know how impressed other people will be with pretty shoes and lip gloss.