Elaboration on a Theme

"Are you sure it's mold?" I asked my southern realtor, heartbroken over the thought that there was a major problem with my lovely house I've just sold. I sighed when he said it looked like mold. "OK," I instructed briskly, "call a mold specialist and get him in there. I need to know if it's actual mold or a water stain or some other issue. If it's mold, the relocation people are out of the deal which is bad for me. But I want to get this fixed as soon as possible regardless. So find out what's what, OK?" He called this evening to let me know he's meeting the mold guy in the morning to discuss the issue. While the buyers are very unconcerned, I'm worried. But I need more information before defining my next action.

So, I decided as I sat at lunch with friends from work and looked out over a lake and the gorgeous clouds that floated overhead, deserved my last post. It has been a defining factor in my life - this tendency to now show up - and conquering it hasn't been particularly easy, but I am somehow pulling it off. And since today was shorter than yesterday's 12 hours and I actually accomplished a few important tasks, I wanted to spend some time thinking and writing. I'm getting less shy about photos - I caught the hot air balloon last night in front of the person who did my fence estimate (I finally decided on one and am pleased with the price.) and took this photo in front of my lunch companions. But the pictures replace the thought in many cases. I'm tired and I'm busy, yet I miss the luxury of free time to ponder and write and read. Glancing through bloglines while half-asleep is hardly the same as the attention I used to offer. But I'm hoping that once I continue the transition, I'll find more time.

I remember the first day I stayed home from school. I was utterly delighted with the idea - I got to sleep and watch TV and spend time alone! Then when I went back, I had twice the work to do in one day and it kept me happily busy and a little challenged! What more could a young Katie want?! So I stayed home as often as I could convince my parents I was sick, treating those times much like snow days - perfect hours of rest and relaxation, followed by a busier day at school.

I remember going to take a final in college and having the professor look at me threateningly. I'd attended class about four times, not seeing anything in the syllabus about required attendance. He was dreadfully boring and classes were torture. So I read the book, attended to take exams and avoided the rest of the horror as much as possible. I did it for several classes actually - if you can't teach well enough to keep my attention, I'll nap instead of coming to your lame class. Grad school was little better - it was harder, yes, and I went into panic or depression while trying to catch up after missing classes - but I was still bored and self-destructive enough to just not go. I'm not saying I was too smart for school - I wasn't. I was just smart enough to direct effort where I felt it was most effective - and that was often away from class.

The post-doc was horrendous in terms of a bad trend getting worse. And, once established, the habit became a cycle where I'd miss something, feel badly, then be embarrassed to go to the next seminar or meeting or event or what-have-you. So I ended up feeling worthless and miserable and contributed very little to what should have been a very productive time in my scientific career.

So it does seem simple to me - I started avoiding work because I could. Then I kept doing it because I couldn't figure out a way to stop.

H made a comment some time ago that I found rather profound. She noted that first impressions are vitally important. And I'd continue that argument to self-conditioning. The first weeks at this job have indicated to my brain that life is different. We (my brain and I, I guess) go to bed early. We wake at 6. We do not roll over and go back to sleep. We do not decide to read a book or watch television or pore over blogs. We get up and get ready. Then we leave and arrive at the office, staying there to work for at least 8 hours.

The problem has come in establishing evening habits. I didn't have access to email at home until recently, so bringing a laptop away from the office and spending several more hours writing email and creating documents and thinking through issues feels a bit excessive. I can do it - and have done so - but it feels forced. I spent an hour with the heavier PC before wrinkling my nose, taking a shower and returning to the pretty Mac.

So I think escaping my rut had to do with several factors.

1. I was miserable as a post-doc. I decided that when I got my next opportunity, I would not make the same mistakes. Fear is a powerful motivator. And I was determined not to screw this up.
   
2. I make enough money - I feel like I should work for what they pay me. Feeling valued (yes, from a financial standpoint) appeals to me.
3. I like my colleagues. While I loved some of my postdoctoral institution's faculty and students, we rarely had lunch together or worked on the same projects. It's different now - I hate to skip meetings with someone who can later take me to lunch. I want to talk to the woman whose son will watch Chienne when I travel. I want them to like and respect me and that means they can find me every day.
   
4. I can't. There's too much work for me to leave it undone. My calendar for next week - the days I was to spend moving and relaxing - is filling with phone calls. It's not that I'm all that important - more an issue of under-staffing, actually - but the effect is that I feel useful and busy. So I try to do well.
   

And that means showing up. So while I'm more impressed than anyone that it's gone so well thus far, I am glad it finally happened. And now - in all likelihood - we return to shorter posts and more pictures.