"Well, look at you," I beamed at my plant this morning. I peered at the purple bud and noticed it had several companions on the same stalk. The violet is soon going to flower. It's accepted its new home and decided to become all lovely.
I, on the other hand, feel quite wilted.
When asked what I thought at a meeting today, I slowly pulled my gaze away from the slide projected on a large screen and blinked at Adam. "I'm disappointed," I wanted to say. "I'm overwhelmed and have too much work and have stopped feeling like I'm doing a good job. I want to work on my paper revisions - for the comments were encouraging and good - but I don't have time. I'm afraid to head south because I think I'm doing to realize what I left and sob all the way back here. I'm also nervous about missing too much work and a little resentful that calls and meetings must intrude on my time away. I feel like I work all the time and never accomplish enough. I'm disappointed and while I hope it will ease - I think it will, actually - I'm struggling a good deal."
I glanced around the room, for the group had turned its collective attention upon me and I shrugged. "I think we're lagging," I said honestly. "But this is a start."
To be fair, I had a lovely meeting with my closest colleague that morning - I love her and think she's terribly smart and talented and lovely. We had lunch with a woman I initially found overbearing and intense - we seem to have found a balance that allows us to work comfortably together. Much as I indulge my melodramatic side, I do relish stability and comfort. It hurts my heart when someone glares at me in the hallway, so I tried to make amends with Warring Woman. I just disagree with 90% of the stuff she says, so it's hard. If someone is kind, I try mightily to be polite. But when someone blows off my opinion, I narrow my eyes and counter-attack. You have a doctorate and learned how to make people feel small through years and years of education? Me too. So far, I estimate we're tied. In the end, I've no plans to lose.
I like the people - most of the people, I comforted myself on the way home this evening. I walked out with two women from my group and was told not to work tonight. We laughed together and they offered advice and I felt accepted and ordered myself to be happy. I called Realtor and was told the ordered mold inspection might cost upwards of $2K. So I called my relocation consultant - she ordered said inspection - and ranted at her answering machine. I believe I used the word 'asinine' pretty liberally. But I set my limits on what I was willing to do to accommodate their rules and what they could do (and perhaps where they could go - I can't recall) if my boundaries weren't acceptable. I snapped my phone closed, sent a few work emails and curled up - all alone in my depressing hotel room - to cry a bit.
I continued to sniffle on my way to the shower, scowled at the drain which isn't working properly and glared at the wall because I can smell smoke again. One more week, I thought grimly, then paused as I rinsed the shampoo suds from my hair. Tonight, I calculated, remembering my trip where I'll sleep on Friend's pull out couch with (or without, should they decide I'm a stranger and untrustworthy) pretty cats. Then I'm here next Wednesday and Thursday.
Perhaps it's not as bad as it seems. (Or maybe it's worse - who the hell knows at this point?)