The Cause of the Effect

I picked my college major because I had a crush on a hockey player.

I moved here because I was in love with a man.

I’ve been blessed in the lack of severe punishment for making big decisions in an utterly stupid manner.

Once I fall for a man – be it a silly crush or absolute devotion – I’m pretty much stuck with the feeling for a long time. I must be afflicted with whatever infects women in romance novels and movies and soap operas. I believe that people entered my life for a reason. That my college crush had some huge meaning in my life and would reappear at some point. Turns out I just had a longtime and intense fixation on a cute boy. No meaning. No happy ending. Just a random mixture of hormones and infatuation and an overactive imagination.

It sometimes takes me a long time to learn, so I did much the same thing during my post-doc. I loved someone a lot, could picture a future with him and was absolutely heartbroken when it didn’t work out. I still think of him – wonder how he is and hope that he’s happy. In all honesty, I understand what happened and nod in resigned acceptance that he doesn’t want any further contact. I’m a bit intense – whether in love or angry and heartbroken – and recovering from that into some friendly relationship is pretty tough.

So I get it. But I don’t like it. I’m sure none of you have noticed, but I rather like attention. I want people to want to know me, especially those I’ve decided to love. And the fact that he was capable of easily ignoring me pricked at my attention, like a mosquito bite that I knew I should leave alone, but I continued to pick at. Then it scarred over and each time I looked at it, I’d wonder why he didn’t want to at least exchange some emails! Or talk on the phone! So I’d try just once more. I mean, if we couldn't talk any more, could I at least be in the one to make that call?

It turned out to be a regional skill, this ability to ignore me. So I happened to want a job in the city where the former object of my affection lived. And Adam – the one who was hiring for the job – just happened to ignore most of my calls and emails.

It irritated me.

I have this feeling I’m going to end up alone. And while it makes me sad, it seems to be the way of my life so I try not to dwell on it. But professionally, I’m golden. People are impressed by how I think and act. I’m good at what I do. And, dammit, I deserved this interview! Plus, I thought mildly, I could maybe make dinner plans. Try just one last time to make contact and see if a friendship could be salvaged.

I was a pleasantly surprised when I made the trip to my current location to meet with Adam, et al. I got the interview, I preened, and carefully composed an oh-so-casual email to ask a man to dinner the night before my meetings. I sighed when I read his response, unsurprised and remarkably unscathed when he politely declined the invitation. I expected the same from the interview, honestly, and focused on my cool rental car and the blessedly chilly weather.

At least I tried, I soothed myself as I read a book and ironed my clothes while I waited for room service in my pajamas. I was in a different hotel several months ago, not all that far from here, and spent the evening relaxed and alone rather than aflutter across a table from someone I likely would have fallen for again. I was equally relaxed the next day, being charming and casual before flying home after shaking enough hands and answering the requisite questions.

I took the job because it was my only option, not because I was still chasing a boy. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have, unfortunately – it’s not outside the realm of possibilities. But, for the record, and in this particular case, I took the job because I needed one. And I thought I’d be good in this position.

As I was walking Chienne this evening, I thought of motivation behind persistent decisions and how oddly life works out sometimes. Kim is adorable and helpful, calling to report that she’d come up twice to walk with my dog and wondered if Chienne could come to her room for a bit tomorrow so they could spend more time together. I went to work despite a nagging headache and am starting to feel like I’m actually contributing rather than just taking up space.

So it worked out, I decided. The reasons behind why I continued to bug Adam may have been ridiculous, but the effect means more than the cause. And, sometimes, when I start to feel overly pleased with myself for landing in such a nice spot? I remind myself of why I pushed so hard to make Adam meet me. I grin sheepishly, thank God for keeping track of the foolish, and go on about my day.