I stayed home today. If it gives you a clue as to what I spent hours doing, I nearly started this post with “She stayed home today.” If I start to refer to myself in the third person, someone please save me from myself. The fact is that I’m doing more writing for the book than the blog – living much more in the past than present.
It’s nearly pleasant. Fun to review and fix details and write dialogue. Plus, then there are posts on another blog that are in some order. And I can know that I’m moving documents into the “done” folder. After it’s finished, I won’t write a book anymore. I’ll call it good – this thing I did – and move on.
“The problem,” I told Friend over a late dinner, “is that I’ll just end up back where I started.”
“You mean begging for money? Writing more grants? Or papers? But you won’t be where you started – you’ll know more and do something different.”
I just stared at her, taking another sip of water and craning my neck to look for our waiter. Did he think I was kidding when I told him I required cheese biscuits?
“I guess.” I sighed at Friend. “But there are people on my list – lots of people.”
I held up a hand to review. Index finger represented the IRB guy.
“So it went to sub-committee rather than full, which was not my fault – I checked the correct box!, so now he has to put it on a late schedule for full review, which pisses me off. So now I need to decide whether to alter the application and avoid full review or to just let it go and see how it does. I could alter it, but what if we could get the approval for this risky part? It’s not overly risky and we probably won’t do it, but what if some patient would really benefit?! Now I feel like I’m gambling and I don’t want to deal with this! It was supposed to be done! Stupid IRB moron.” I groused.
“Then,” I said, “Boss asked me to give the laptop to one of the students. To help with his projects. Which is fine – I understand – but I need it! Or I will if I ever get patients. Which I might not. So, fine. I told him to take it, but to be prepared to give it back if I needed it. But I’m annoyed! Why must people bother me?!”
She didn’t say that it was part of my job, though she could have. I’m just blah/irritable lately.
Tomorrow is back to back to back meetings. Two of which I’m excited about (or as excited as I can get today).
“I want this to work. I want to get started and do these projects.” I told Friend after expressing an interest in taking a month off and spending it on a beach somewhere. I so want to go back to Hawaii and zone out with M. Have someone tell me when and where to eat. Sleep when I’m tired. Stare at the ocean and watch for rainbows. Hike and stare at the lush vegetation. Shop. Hook up to their wireless router to see what’s up in a world that feels very far away.
In the absence of the ability to do that though, I’ll do this. Write bits of a book. Complain about irritations and try to muddle though these protocols I’ve created.
Maybe I’ll set my sound machine to play waves while I sleep tonight though.