*$@&^%!!

The word I find myself thinking with greatest frequency is hardly becoming of a lady. I don't know when I started favoring the f word so much, but even I'm becoming concerned with the frequency it appears in my thoughts. And it's starting to affect my behavior.

I had a meeting yesterday morning. It was scheduled for 10AM - and not by me, by the way - and I arrived 2 minutes early for a lengthy work session. The MD with whom I was to meet was in her office with another woman, so I took a seat. I hadn't brought anything to read, as is my habit, because we'd scheduled the meeting the day before and I'd sent a file 20 minutes prior to walking to her office. Why carry something I won't have time to read?

I regretted my lack of reading material as I sat there for 25 minutes. For the first 10, I heard them discussing their favorite colors. I kid you not - favorite colors for shirts. And pants. And skirts. Shoes. Jewelry. Then she shut the door. So this was not a crucial work conversation - she had a friend stop by and kept me waiting for nearly a half hour so she could chat. This is un-[profanity]-acceptable. I settled into a tight glare directed at no one in particular - I was alone in the outer office though the MD in question saw me as I first came in.

Freaking miserable, stupid piece of garbage, I seethed as minutes ticked by. I was torn between leaving and waiting for an undetermined amount of time. Having someone wait a few minutes for a meeting you scheduled is certainly fine. I understand that doctors have stuff that comes up. But she's not in a specialty where that would be the case, first of all, and second of all, I'm important too! My therapist says so!

As it neared 10:30, they finally came out, talking and laughing. She looked to find me waiting there, my typical smile clearly nowhere near my lips, and looked momentarily abashed.

"Oh, you're here." She said as she bid her stupid, ugly friend farewell.

"Yes. Have been." I bit out. She owed me an apology, damn it all, and I was getting one! "Are you ready now or should we reschedule?"

"No, I'm ready." She said and I moved past her into the office to the filing cabinet that holds the materials we needed. I should point out that Boss asked me to do this as an entry into another research realm, but it's very administrative. This was fine when I was bored, but as my work grows more intense - I left behind a grant application and book chapter to sit quietly for twenty-[profanity]-five minutes - I'm far less patient. I mean, come on!

"My friend stopped by unexpectedly and I didn't realize how late it was getting." She said as I got the paperwork and made room to work. "I'm sorry I made you wait."

I looked at her for a moment. Then nodded and said it was fine. And we worked for several hours - she left for lunch while I was still finishing up.

Today marked the arrival of several emails regarding the same project indicating that some of the paperwork was marked incorrectly. So I said I would fix it and apologized for the error. But little emails continued to fly, many of which sought to put blame on my head for something that wasn't my fault. So I sent email that said:

I feel the need to clarify some issues. I have been working on this project for several months and have not - at any point - received any hint of the information you claim is of utmost importance. If this is a necessary part of the study, I am more than happy to include it and communicate with those who determine the information of note. But in the absence of communication to that effect, I fail to see how I could have avoided this mistake. I will correct the mistakes as soon as I find time, but otherwise will need to be kept in the loop when decisions are made so that I can react accordingly.

Katie, PhD

I failed to include - in what was an uncharacteristically snippy and sharp email - 'you stupid, miserable sons-of-bitches who clearly just seek to avoid blame for your overwhelming ignorance. I hate you all an extreme amount. And you're not as educated as I am. So there. Whores.'

But I thought it.

The thing is that this project isn't helping me at all. I'll do it - that's fine - but when it causes many problems and clutters my email with stuff I don't care about, I get annoyed. No, more like enraged. Which causes me some concern.

When Dr. Counselor insisted I push back and demand respect, I somehow doubt the goal was for me to start shoving people to the ground so I could kick at them in frustration because they just bug me. Given that the main positive point of working with me is that I'm accommodating and sweetly professional, I may be doing myself some serious harm here. I have, thus far, restricted my foul feelings to this single project. I'd happily quit completely and will talk to Boss tomorrow to see if someone else can take over. Then they won't have Katie to kick around anymore!

But I know I'm overreacting. It's not like I think I'm ever so important. My time is not invaluable, though I do think it should be respected. I can answer email and accept blame just to avoid problems. But I don't feel like it lately. But the extent of my irritation seems out of line, but I'm strangely unable to control it.

In addition, last night Friend called because she was struggling a bit. And I was impatient with her, not because I don't care, but because I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help or what to suggest or anything. Normally, I would invite her out and happily share my space. But I'm all kinds of irritated and having anyone here would likely mean I'm going to be blatantly mean, then I'll have to feel badly about that. So I basically said, "Come out if you want, stay home if you want. I don't know." Which is borderline cruel, I think, but I didn't really care at the time. I wanted my space to obsess over my chapter and write at my novel and have dark and quiet and time to finish eating the 4 Cadbury Creme eggs I bought. (Oh, yes. Totally sick afterward. That irritated me too.)

Charlie called last night and I almost answered before deciding against it. I just couldn't deal with it. He has a good job and is vastly successful and paints pretty pictures and has a lovely girlfriend and I couldn't take care hearing about it. Which is odd because I adore Charlie! But I just couldn't do it last night. Too moody. (Me, not him. I don't think Charlie gets moody.)

I was short with my parents when they called tonight to check on the computer I ordered for Mom's birthday. I don't know when it's coming! I sent the tracking information - that's all I know! They know my tone and left me alone after just a few minutes.

I honked at a guy who cut me off on the interstate yesterday morning. If you're on an entrance ramp behind me, you do not get to accelerate and cut me off as we all wait our turns to merge. So I honked loudly without even deciding I was going to do it. And if I could have given him an electrical shock, I think I would have done that too. I'm just on the edge lately.

I stayed home today - the roads and work were largely safe. But I was irritated here too. People hide their software that I need to write my chapter! These papers are so boring! My scanner refused to deal with the picture I wanted to scan! Then I was playing with the design of the book blog and got all annoyed when it wasn't working right!

So, yes. Not going particularly well over here. I'm sleeping (maybe too much), eating (definitely too much) and working (a good amount, I think). The chapter is coming along quite nicely - it has lots of pretty color figures and I can make one more tonight. That should be good. But I find I just can't stay steady.

Which is, of course, freaking annoying.