Random Monday Report

There is hot chocolate on the table beside me – real whipped cream floats on top and I try to get a touch of it in each sip. I have on comfortable pajamas, there is a dog sleeping peacefully on the couch and a cat racing around hoping that a laser pointer produces a red dot for him to chase. I turned on the light over the stove, but it’s otherwise dark apart from the glow of the laptop. The atmosphere is soothing and lovely.

Yet I remain upset – agitated and anxious and irritable.

The day started quite well. I left my house on time, chattered to a nearly comatose Friend while I navigated light traffic, exclaimed over my parking spot (it was quite good!) and arrived at work to eat the container of mandarin oranges I packed. They were sweet and juicy and I dabbed the light syrup off my chin before I left for my first meeting.

“Milk?” Paige asked after she’d filled a Styrofoam cup with coffee for me.

“Please.” I answered, told her when there was enough in my drink, then she finished the container before tossing it in the trash. We proceeded to her office and she sat down, motioning me to the other chair. I’d sent her email last Friday.

Can I bribe you with coffee or something to meet with me and discuss the new project? I’d like to have a general plan before we meet with SPB (Supreme Polar Bear) and LBSCPBs (Lesser but still cool polar bears)? Please?

She answered she wanted to meet too and would happily provide the coffee. So I arrived this morning at 9, eager to see if we could iron out some of the bad feelings that seem to have arisen over my involvement.

After I explained how the situation had come about – Boss told me that he’d talked to people and that I was to do this particular experiment then those people told me they had no idea what I was talking about – she shook her head.

“I didn’t mean to upset people or make them feel territorial!” I insisted. “I’m not like that at all. I just did what I was told!”

“I know.” She shook her head. “It’s a minefield over here and you’re trying to make it without a map. Hell, when I’m near their offices, I’m like a dog who’s been kicked. I cower and duck and hope nobody sees me and starts to yell.”

“I’m terrified of them.” I confessed. “Leo seemed so angry and unimpressed last time. I don’t do well with that.”

She waved her hand. “He’s putting in grants and under pressure too, but it’s definitely not you. He’s like that with everyone lately – it’s awful. So it’s not you – it’s just the atmosphere over here lately.”

So we talked and strategized and she helped me considerably – professionally and emotionally.

“I started seeing a shrink for a while.” She confessed, trying to make me feel better after an hour of taking notes and talking. We laughed a lot and shared confidences. I was told to become friends with Paige and did as Boss asked. I've always rather liked her, so it was a pleasure to do so.

“Um, yes. My 10:00 meeting that we’re working around? It’s with my therapist. I’m rather unstable myself after working here.”

She grinned and offered a couple more suggestions, then sent me on my way. I arrived at Dr. Counselor’s office just moments later.

“How are the blooms?” He asked immediately.

“Good.” I smiled as I thought of my violet. “I think there are nearly 10 open, and probably 10 more waiting to bloom.”

“Wow.” He said and clapped his hands. “It just needed time. Enough food and water and light, then time to adjust so it could flower again. Like you.”

“Perhaps.” I answered, recalling that when emailed about its progress, he responded that it was an omen – life was going to get quite good for me soon. Kind of like a fortune cookie in the form of deep purple flowers.

“Will you take a picture?” He asked. “And send it to me through email so I can see it?”

“I’ve meant to take a picture.” I said. I, of course, want to post it on my blog.

“So you’ll send me one.” He confirmed and I nodded. “Tell me about the rest of life? Are you blooming?”

I explained my reaction to the polar bears at the meeting. “I just shrank.” I said sadly. “I feel inadequate and small and very afraid. And I know it’s the dark blue chair talking, but I can’t seem to help it. It’s like I’m a mouse in a room full of snakes.”

“Up.” He commanded and moved to meet me at the side of his desk. I stared at him when he held his hands up – palms toward me – at chest height. He looked at me expectantly, so I placed my hands against his. I pulled back when he started to push.

“No.” He said. “When someone pushes, you push back.”

So I tried again and we did some practice on what I should be thinking. I am strong and powerful and though I’m a woman who is relatively young, I have great worth and insight and I can be an advocate for myself and this project.

We sat in our respective chairs again, and he nodded with satisfaction. “So when pushed, you be a strong bird and push back. Be respectfully bold!”

“A bird?” I questioned, confused.

“You said you were a bird.”

“No, no. I said I was a mouse.”

“Oh. A mouse then. The snakes can hiss and slither, but you can be a crafty little mouse. Dart of their striking range and use your resources to work in their environment without getting injured. You can do it.”

I left there feeling good too. A bit amused at my dear therapist, but knowing he was right. I have to push back sometimes. I considered my overall goals while I walked to Friend’s lab, then we wandered to get toasted bagels with flavored cream cheese. We engaged in easy conversation while I decided that honey walnut cream cheese must be some miracle food. It’s just so good!

I walked back to my office, proudly showed Friend my plant, did some work on the dreaded grant that I’ve been avoiding for months, and realized it’s farther along than I remembered it being. Not so scary at all now that I’ve made progress on putting the last pieces together. Several times I found myself thinking that I knew what to write in sections that had previously remained stubbornly blank. Time away has given me some clarity. I feel very equipped and ready to write the proposal again. Boss and I will meet on Thursday to evaluate our current status and map out a plan for a July resubmission.

I went to observe an experiment and hit a wall. I don’t know if I got tired or if someone accidentally pushed a button. I just went from happy and hopeful to surly and itchy to leave. Since I was trapped on campus until I took Friend home – she said around 5 – I was less than pleased about the afternoon in general. But I didn’t know what really happened – my stability had slipped and I was unsure of the cause.

I returned to my desk a couple hours later to a few emails. My recent publication was selected for inclusion into a virtual journal. When I told Friend, she glanced at the page and said “It’s like a journal carnival.” Which is true – this particular thing looks at a bunch of journals, then links to papers they feel are worthy of inclusion on their monthly topical list. I decided to be flattered though I was previously unfamiliar with the idea at all. Boss was pleased – he said it indicated interest was high which made him confident our grant application would be successful. Graduate Advisor was thrilled – he’s heard of this particular virtual journal and loves that my paper was selected. So I got a couple more congratulatory emails from my co-authors and tried to bask in praise while I fought thoughts that the virtual journal were probably just hard up for virtual material. But as my paper is in with 150+ others for the March issue, I don’t know if I'm right.

Then I got an email back from the book publishers offering a preliminary acceptance based upon my abstract. Which is good news, I know. I very much wanted to write the chapter and get a free book. And I sent email this weekend asking about the status of my abstract. But I freaked the hell out when I realized I actually have to write about something that I should know, but don’t. I’m not familiar with the literature. I don’t know how to do 3/5 of the analyses I proposed. What if I’m completely wrong in thinking I can pull this off? The idea was that I would write it, gain a lot of background information and some hands-on experience, throw the chapter in the grant and put another line on my CV. Yet my brain repeated a litany of “oh, no.” And I counted the moments until I could get off campus and retreat to the safety of my house.

Friend arrived about 10 minutes after I sent an email that noted, “It’s after 5. 5:02, actually.” I couldn’t tolerate riding the bus, so we walked to my car in relative silence. I actually don’t remember much of the walk other than cars were always in my way when I wanted to cross the street. I dropped her off at home, helping her carry her stuff in but spending approximately 5 seconds inside her apartment. Then I hurried home to have dinner and mope a bit.

Below the mug (now empty of hot chocolate), there is a folder on the floor. It contains about 10 papers full of review articles and recent research relevant to this freaking book chapter. I’m scared of it – there’s so much I don’t know and I’m not positive that I’m capable of understanding it. But I can read – I’ll see how it goes. And I set up a meeting tomorrow with a LBSCPB to discuss resources I might borrow to complete the work.

So while I find myself burrowing into my hiding place for now, this particular mouse is going to dart out again tomorrow and push back at those pesky fears while avoiding the hissing snakes. Or something like that. But I’m going to put the camera in my bag right now, so tune in for pictures of the pretty violet. I hear it’s supposed to be a good omen for my life.