Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Not thinking

It's not going so well.

I feel very distraught and fragile - I'm no longer angry or bored or frustrated. Just panicked and sad. So very sad.

"No thinking." I warned myself on the way to a seminar. I continued to repeat it as I learned about software tricks and waited for the free lunches to be distributed. I avoided puddles and rushing water from the downpour that lasted most of the day on my way back to the office. I noticed how lovely my umbrella is - light blue with pretty pink flowers along the edge. I listened to the way my shoes sloshed from being soaked in water. I wondered what was in the box I'd tucked in my bag before returning to my office. A few steps later, my throat closed up and I used my free hand to rub at my chest. It hurt.

I went to a meeting and contributed, growing panicked when it lasted too long. I was bored and I drift when I get bored. I needed to leave - to do something, to have some focus on anything outside what's going on in my head. It's scary in there right now. It hurts and I don't like it and to work is to escape it. I nearly threw up from the strain of having to sit there when I needed to get up and move. I appear to be having a bit of a problem.

I made it through my afternoon. My experiment went well, I think. I'm looking at data tonight. I played with some files today and didn't do it right - I'm almost grateful. It gives me something to fix tonight. But I write when I'm thinking. Since I'm very eager to avoid doing that, there isn't a decent blog post to be had this evening. Instead, I shall do mindless work, try to sleep in just a bit tomorrow and see if I can accomplish some writing later on.

I'm just struggling right now. It'll get better soon - until then, I'm focused on remaining functional and enduring as best I can.

4 comments:

JustMe said...

praying for you.
(((((((Katie)))))))

Locks said...

You are strong and wonderful. You can get through this.

When I feel panicked, focusing helps me too...as well as writing.

I hope you get past this ASAP---if I can ever do anything to help or if you just want to vent at somebody, feel free.

love and support,

locks

The Contessa said...

Hey Katie - you can do this! You are all the things Locks said - you are strong, super smart and an amazing person.

I agree on focus. I am currently practicing focus on other things during hte dangerous quiet times ( right before I fall asleep, while I am driving) and I tell myself that this problem will have a solution some other time and dwelling on it now will not help.

It's a crap shoot - it works better with frequency.

YOu will get through this with grace and strength! you're lovely and wonderful!

Maisha said...

Katie,love,i pray for you.you will be alright.everyone said all i cud hav.you are strong,you can get through this.you have people who love you.lean on that fact.we all got your back....

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