Unheard

I think part of what brings me back to the laptop each night - composing some self-indulgent post about what happened or what I thought or something to make the day matter before I sleep - is the hope that someone will read and understand. There's no room for interruptions - I finish my thoughts before I click the button to publish and let you read.

I did try to tell Boss today that I didn't want to submit the grant. The statement was postponed while we looked over data for a meeting this afternoon, then penguin's paper to make sure I had covered all the relevant revisions.

"I fixed that." I noted as Boss went through his notes. "Yes," I smiled again, "I saw that too. I'm learning to write and edit the way you do."

So after covering all sorts of professional ground, I felt badly. He has taken me under his wing to a greater extent than the other post-docs. We talk and he guides and I'm learning a tremendous amount from him. And he wants the grant to go in.

"Talk about the grant later?" I asked as he walked out the door, and he turned around, checked his watch and sat down again.

"I think we need to talk about my future. Whether you see me staying here or going away. What I'm trying to do here."

"It depends on the funding, I think." He mused. "But if we get this grant, I think there are tremendous opportunities here."

"I want to..." I stopped, twisted my mouth. Tried again. "I think that I'll be ready... So, in a year, I think I want to move north. Be closer to my family. Leave here."

He nodded, looked down for a moment in thought, then bounced back. "Well, the grant could go with you when you leave."

"No," I corrected him. "The training portion is tied to the institution, and if we got it, I'd be here 3 more years. I don't want that."

"We could turn it down." He decided, then stood. "I think we should work hard to make the deadline."

I didn't say anything, so he nodded again and walked from the room.

I glanced over at Ken and got a grin in return.

"Did you understand what I was saying?" I asked and he laughed as he nodded. "No matter." I sighed. "I'll try again tomorrow."

We met later in the day to attend a meeting with the Supreme Polar Bear. When I watched Narnia and noticed the polar bears were pulling the witch to battle, I gasped. "The polar bears are evil?!" I exclaimed while sitting on the futon with Elle and Tom.

"She was the queen of winter." Elle noted, as if the polar bears were never meant to be good.

I smiled as I thought of it, wandering through the polar bear habitat toward the supreme headquarters. We sat and I handed him my carefully crafted document and began to explain. Boss, sitting across the table, let me speak.

After giving the SPB time to think, Boss got to the point. "Katie got funding to do some initial studies, and got interesting results, but she'd like to see more patients."

SPB sat back in his chair and offered a half smile that said to me that he'd predicted this part of the conversation. "And you'd like me to pay for it." He noted, seeming vaguely amused.

It made me slightly ill. This is the project that has pained me a great deal. And I was begging for more money to do it? When I kind of hated it?

Yet I tried to answer his question and dutifully wrote down his suggestions. When I have put the project in better order, I am to let him know and he'll provide the money. I returned to my office with my head down.

I later attended a meeting that was focused on building a team! Around the research! Yet if there are 2 branches in my niche, I'm the only one who likes the first one. Everyone else is clinging to and clustering around the second one. Which is great - their preferences makes sense - but it's lonely and difficult for me. So I left that meeting feeling even more isolated than before - it isn't my perception, I decided. I really am on my own.

The good thing about having a bad day is that I'm increasingly sure I don't fit here. And as flattered as I was when Boss expressed how impressed he was with my performance in the SPB meeting, and as befuddled as I was when one of the other post-docs asked my advice on research since I was doing so well, I still want out.

I just have to be more clear when expressing that. I'll try again tomorrow and let you know how I do.