I once was very sensitive about being seen as solitary and a little boring. Then I read the descriptions of introverts and extroverts and accepted my behavior completely. When it comes to recharging and relaxing, I do better on my own. I can nap and read and watch television. Which is, I suppose, possible when others are around, but it's different. I'm worried about comfort and conversation on some small level, even when my most favorite people are around.
I dropped M off at the airport before 6, driving through the light traffic in the pale blue light at dawn. It was lovely and quiet, but I was sick.
"I think it's airports." I offered. "I was afraid to fly for so long that I still get this automatic tension regardless of what's happening. My head hurts and my stomach feels all crampy and weird. When I picked you up and now that I'm dropping you off - airports just make me mildly ill."
"I'm sorry." She said, then after we hugged and I blinked back tears at the thought of not seeing her for another year, she smiled and said my tummy could relax. I got to leave the airport! I did relax a bit as I drove home, but my headache persisted. So instead of packing to make the drive north today, I decided to go back to bed and drifted easily into sleep.
I woke when I heard Friend moving around, shuffling down the hall and flopping on the couch, moaning at the thought of pulling everything together and loading the car. So I decided to put the trip off until this evening. I need the day to be alone - to nap and read and watch TV, to put clothes in bags and make sure bathroom stuff is packed. I need a few minutes (hours, whatever) to gather my thoughts and relax.
I rather knew this would happen. Much as I adore M (and my parents, Little One, Carrie, Elle and Rachel, and Repressed Librarian of course), I can't quite relax completely when people are around. So the next time I'm lonely, I think I shall remember this feeling. The need for quiet and isolation.
I don't have much time though - I get to steal today and rest a bit, then head back to my parents'. Then it's off for more Social Summer, 2007! I'm sure I will have a fabulous time, just as soon as I nap a bit more.