Peace, then more problems

After impressive storms last night, it appeared to be sunny this morning. I blinked myself awake, trying to remember what day it was, then shuffled down the hall to make some coffee. When I opened the refrigerator to get my Coconut Crème, I saw the caramel pie I made last night.

Did you know that if you boil 3 unopened cans of sweetened condensed milk for 2.5 hours, you get enough caramel filling for 2 pies? True story. I did it. Just make sure the water is always covering the entire can. Oh, and cool thoroughly afterward or the pressure will cause a molten caramel explosion which would likely be painful. But the one pie I made (by expertly dumping out 1.5 cans into a pre-made pie shell) had solidified, so I cut a piece, piled whipped cream, chocolate chips and chopped pecans on top and had a treat with coffee.

Chienne was already bouncing around so I asked if she was ready to go and gathered my shoes and socks to take our walk. I decided to take the long route, then paused to put in contacts so I could wear sunglasses, finally clipping the leash on the whining animal and heading out the door.

The temperature was perfect – just cool enough – and the wind was blowing steadily. The birds were chirping busily, collecting the worms who had left their earthy homes so as not to drown in all the ground water. Chienne was sloshing through people’s yards and it was early enough so that I could hear everything around me. The soft thuds of my sneakers hitting the ground, the gentle click of Chienne’s nails on the pavement when she abandoned soggy grass for the street. I think we saw 4 or 5 cars on our hour-long journey. So it was peaceful and pretty. The sun bouncing off the roads that were shiny with residual rainwater. The green grass and sprouting flowers. All the pretty birds and fuzzy squirrels.

We face inescapable facts, I decided along the way. I am who I am. A bit timid. A tad lazy. Desperate for approval and tending toward depressed with a big enough shove in that direction. That’s OK – it’s what I have to work with and I’ve done reasonably well so far.

I came back home and sent an email to Supreme Polar Bear. He intimidates me greatly. My improvement in the professional realm coincided with he and his group departing our habitat for their shiny new one. I just relaxed when I didn’t see them in the halls all the time. It’s not that they’re mean or awful – they’re actually quite funny and incredibly smart. I just don’t fit in and I’m left feeling isolated and inferior. With their move, I started to feel OK again. I had my own portion of the research world and I would do what I could in the space I’d been given.

As I gain distance and perspective from the unpleasant Friday I spent, I’m coming back to a couple of points that are truly valid. I can’t solve either of them alone. I worked at one yesterday – reviewing and revising the protocol so I could resubmit to EC and ask Dr. Icing to intervene.

For the other, I needed to ask Supreme Polar Bear for help. So I wrote an email this morning at 7:30 or so, then went about my day. After a lovely church service and nice lunch had me feeling peaceful and calm, I checked email and saw that SPB had responded and cced many of the Lesser But Still Cool Polar Bears. One of the LBSCPBs had already written a message including more people in our little discussion. Now we’re all supposed to meet.

And I retreated once more into terror. Hands shaking, I sent several emails and tried to get everything put together as much as possible from home on Sunday.

It’s really OK. It’s important to involve the SPB and his group of LBSCPBs. They know things and have resources that I do not. I feel incredibly intimidated and threatened by them, but MT is one of them and he was quite lovely to me. And they can’t stop me from doing some part of the project. I don’t think they want to keep me from doing this work, but I’m so nervous and upset and small right now. I feel very unsettled and fragile and I’m not particularly enjoying the turmoil.

I took a nap this afternoon. Am trying to breathe and relax and let things happen. The project could be made immeasurably better through their input. If there are problems, it’s good to address them now rather than after it’s too late to fix them. I don’t know why I’m reacting so strongly against steps that I put into place – I asked the penguin for input and was pleased to present at his Friday meeting. Yet I was also very fearful. I sent email to SPB this morning, yet my stomach clenched hard when I saw he responded.

I don’t know what my deal is. But it’s still not going so well over here.