Lessons from the Archives

In my continuing quest to avoid going to work, I found myself reading through my archives last night and this morning. Though I’ve tried to spare you the garbage, some of it snuck in. Ah, but other posts, for me, are completely charming. They sound just like me – evoke memories and emotions exactly as they first existed.

There was a line I wrote yesterday – “To write and think and record some of these experiences so maybe the next time I was faced with something similar, I’d at least have a head start on some of the same lessons.” It must have subconsciously resonated because I found myself looking for guidance through what I’ve written here so far. After all, is there a point to telling these stories and trying to learn the lessons if I’m only going to forget them soon after?

I was looking for help with work – trying to make some large and some trivial decisions there. So I skipped the dating series completely. It was long, and though I enjoyed parts of it, it didn’t seem worth the time to re-read. Plus, though I find myself having a bit of a crush to deal with right now, it’s not really my main focus.

As I made my way back to what I’d written in the beginning of December, I found the Gabe series. MplsJu mentioned that she kept reading because of those posts, so I decided to go over them again. Started at the beginning, smiled over my initial stalking effort, ached a little remembering that walk together, shook my head over the massage, then paused to savor the conclusion. Despite my claims, I wasn’t over it then – felt so much for him that those words flowed easily because I’d kept them so close to the surface.

I’m glad I wrote it – it’s not bad to read, and there are lessons there. More, probably, then all the dating posts put together. Because if we’re talking about what I think love should feel like, it’s something like that. So remembering what I did – how I gave a tremendous amount of myself but knew my limits enough to withdraw at the right moments too – makes me proud. I did good.

It also makes me consider how far I’ve come. How I won’t chase men anymore – I think too much of myself to offer everything, as is my tendency, and to receive nothing in return. I’m also finally profoundly grateful that events unfolded as they did. That Gabe married someone else, that I went on to grad school – struggled, grew, learned – and realized the potential of Katie on her own. What I have to offer someone now is ever so much more than it was then.

I actually am going to get ready to go to work now. But if you find yourself bored today, I’d request you delve into the Gabe series, give me your thoughts (because going through my old work assures me that some of you know me incredibly well – I’ve given you a great deal to work with), or just smile over how very silly I used to be.

Because that's fun too.