Pretend that didn't happen

When I was young (well, younger – I’m not old – until I get grey strands too numerous to remove with tweezers and am forced to dye my hair, I will not be old), I used to play with my neighbor, Jessica, and Brother. Jessica was a year or 2 younger than I was, and Brother is 4.5 (that’s right 4.5) years my junior.

I loved Sweet Valley High, and had quite the collection of books before the basement flooded and we had to throw them all out. So we’d play pretend and be characters in Sweet Valley, California. I, of course, would be Elizabeth, who was clearly superior in my mind. She was smart, organized, clearly college-bound, and had a boyfriend (Todd was kind of a weenie, but whatever – I fixed that when we played pretend).

Jessica is so named because that’s who she’d be. It fit too – she was hysterically funny, but not too academically oriented, quite social and silly. She couldn’t settle on a single crush, I scoffed in my 9 year old wisdom, so she’d probably be hopping from boyfriend to boyfriend when we finally got to high school.

Brother would be Steven, which didn’t really work at all. Steven was older than the twins in the book, younger than Jess and I in reality. But Brother played it to the best of his ability, and came up with some creative storylines for his character as we swam and rode bikes in the summer and were confined to the basement after school in colder seasons.

Jess and I always made fun of him for one thing. He’s often come up with crazy plots – his girlfriend loved him and he wanted to date someone else, so she shot him! Or, let’s say he was racing a friend in his super-cool car, and he drove off a cliff and died! Or, pretend that Steven left the burner on and it never lit (this after warnings from Dad on natural gas safety in our home) and the house exploded! And everyone was really hurt! Or dead!

Jess and I would look at each other, shake our heads and wait for his story to finish. He’d always take a moment after his exciting turn of events, look expectantly at our frowning faces, and realize that he had killed off any future adventures if he was, in fact, dead. So he’d quickly say

“No, no… Pretend that never happened.”

I currently sit on my couch, typing away on my laptop, with my TV volume up as high as it will go. Just FYI, it’s pretty freaking loud. But Chienne (which is dog in French since she does have a French name – given by the shelter, not I) is afraid of fireworks. And here in the south, people LOVE their fireworks, apparently. We have roadside stands, and they set them off all day. That’s right – starting at 7AM and lasting through the time I’m writing this, around 11:30 PM. It's 2006 on the East Coast, people! Can't we call it good?

My strategy for dealing with this traumatic event? Well, I didn’t know what to do – I comforted her, huddled in the corner of my closet on the pink blanket Mom made for her, crooning assurances and rubbing her ears. Then I tried coaxing her outside for a walk, trying not to giggle at her as she flattened out on the street when hearing one. Down! Everybody down! Then a friend told me to ignore her, so I tried that. But she comes to find me, nudges me and runs back to the closet. Then she starts to dig at the carpet. Dad told me to get excited about the noise – to dance and clap and laugh when I heard them to make her think they were fun. As I expected, she didn’t buy it. I probably lost just a little more of her respect with that little exercise.

So now I coax her out to the living room with me, cover her up with a blanket and pat her while I turn the TV up to drown out the noise. “Just pretend it’s not happening.” I tell her. “It’ll all be over soon.”

This avoidance by distraction is popular for me, and honestly, if it were possible to say “No, pretend that didn’t happen.” instead of dealing with the consequences with some decisions, I’d do it in a second. Just wipe away any embarrassment, hurt feelings or tough situations that were created by a poor choice or statement.

I found it cathartic last night to mope – to watch TV and cuddle with my dog, sheltering her from the fireworks once again by falling asleep to maximum volume TV to drown out any unpleasant sounds. I woke up once to find her staring at the closed blinds that cover one of my bedroom windows, her ears perked, ready to run and hide should she pick up any sound of an incoming threat. She’s such a brave girl.

I think it’s a choice – do you want to know what’s going on – be informed and intelligent about decisions? Or would you rather immerse yourself in entertainment – cushioned from harsh realities and tough decisions by cute TV shows, DVDs, blogs, books?

I’m distracted today too – cleaning, catching up with a few friends, half-watching football while I do some minor work and sit to finish the post I started last night. I guess it all comes down to how you define your reality. I’m stuck inside my head, trying to figure out what’s going on around me, attempting to map some course for myself that will lead to success and happiness. But if I surround myself with mindless entertainment rather than honest work, how does that help me?

I guess I’m a bit frustrated with myself for being so down last night for relatively minor problems. I can count a multitude of blessings in my life – so, so many more than I deserve or need. Yet on some evenings (days, weeks – whatever), I’m consumed with what I don’t have and let little things, like the lack of site traffic, make me feel badly about myself.

Point? I think it’s good to express the negative and embarrassing stories. It helped - profoundly, actually – to know that you guys knew I was sad and felt badly about that. And that my lack of readership wasn’t necessarily related to my talent or lack thereof. Part of the value in those stories that will make me shake my head and blush that I shared them is just that. Knowing that something hard and painful doesn’t look so terrible in retrospect. And a gentle internal reminder that forming my life around certain areas, and placing great importance on them, takes away from pursuits in which I have great interest.

So I’m leaving my laptop momentarily, finding that volunteer application that I keep forgetting to print, and getting it ready to send. Then I’m going to respond to the kind welcome notes I received from church. I went again today, and it feels right there. I cut some blogs from my bookmarks and added some new ones just to change things up. I’ve decided on a stricter diet and exercise schedule that might make me feel a little better in general. I’m going to think about God more – try to listen more carefully and talk a little less. I’m going to forgive some people who have irritated me, and hope that I receive the same consideration.

It’s too bad I don’t make resolutions. Because those just might have been them. And if you think those are actual resolutions? Well, go back to where I said I didn't do that yesterday, and pretend that didn't happen.