Dear Southern People,

Dear Southern people who enjoy the fireworks,

We have a good thing going – I know you don’t always understand what I’m saying, and I certainly miss a lot of what you’re trying to tell me when I forget to expect the accent. So I apologize for that. I’m also sorry about swearing at you when you drive slowly in the far left lane of the expressway, and don’t check out of any store at a speed that anyone could call reasonable.

Aside from that, we’ve coexisted without any problems. Did I not make Christmas cookies for my neighbors? Hand out 20 pounds of candy at Halloween? Do I not donate to your charities and plan to volunteer at your worthy schools and shelters? I enjoy not having to deal with snow, and will cope with the fact that you bundle up like little Eskimos when I have not yet taken out my winter coat. That’s fine.

But the fireworks… Folks, my understanding of the firework idea is to look at some pretty lights. Yes, I’m aware that they also make noise, but it’s not the primary source of amusement is it? Also, it scares my dog. A lot. So perhaps we could confine our use of such exploding devices to the evening.

In fact, I won’t scowl out my window or swear at you at all if you participate in firework explosion between the hours of 5-9 PM. I find that to be more than generous. Hell, if you must play during the day as well, how about waiting until after noon? So I can at least make it through walking the dog and running some errands before she starts flipping out and digging at my carpet? And maybe at 9, we can stop. Savor the joy. And wait until freaking Independence Day until we play with those suckers again.

Kindest regards,
me

Edited to add: I thought it was clear that my irritation was with the noise and my crazy dog, who, as I write, continues to ruin my carpet. Truth? I'm the one you should giggle at for raising such a spoiled creature.

I'm pleased to be here, and have not found a single person who I consider to be anything less than lovely, friendly, and completely smart and together. I don't know what more I can say other than I meant no offense, but I'm dying with all the noise lately.