Missy, redux

I have 4 drafts of posts open on my nifty little PowerBook. The thing they have in common is a strong start and then… nothing. I can’t muster the energy to finish any to the point that I can post them.

So I thought I’d comment on my comments from the last post. I’ve thought about them a few times today and had some ideas that could save me from not posting at all today. The problem is that it's hard for me to respond to what is said here. I love reading what you think, and I so enjoy having you read some of what I've written. So I agonize over writing something that addresses what people say on any post (not just this one) and often end up not saying nothing at all, though I do read and think carefully about all of the comments. So I'm trying to overcome that tendency to outwardly ignore the feedback.

First, the easy one, aka comment 2. I agree completely, and it’s a point I should have made in the original post. I think that the motivation behind an action is critical, and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

The problem is, this goes against my natural instinct. If someone does or says anything questionable, my very first thought is “They hate me! I did something wrong and they think I’m ugly, stupid and evil. Whatever will I do?!” I then recruit some emotional response as a coping mechanism. I’ll either get very sad or very angry depending on the situation.

So I’m trying to make it normal practice to just wait. Allow those feelings to surface without showing them, then let the situation sink in so that I can react in a way that makes me feel comfortable. Sometimes I’m still hurt or mad, and if so, I express that. Other times, it’s not such a big deal, and I’ll let it go. Overcoming the intial response is difficult though and maybe it'll be a sign of maturity when it's not so freaking hard for me.

Missy wasn’t a bad person, but she was often misguided. It’s easy to remember her as this awful character in my life, but in truth, she probably had her own stuff going on that made her treat people badly. While she was still responsible for her actions, I was probably too hard on her. It’s good for me to think about that.

As far as my most recent situation, I did overreact, but I knew that yesterday. The problem is that this isn’t the first time we’ve argued. Our relationship has been peppered with tiffs and subtle barbs, and while I enjoy her tremendously at times, I also think she shows a distinct lack of respect for me, my feelings and my abilities. So there does come a time where you call a relationship a Mistake (which I found absolutely adorable, by the way – Missy/Mistake? Love it!). Some friendships are inherently unbalanced and I end up giving a lot more than I get. When that makes me feel badly often enough, I opt out. I’m still struggling to figure this one out, and sticking at my waiting stage.

I appreciated your comment very much – it brought up an important point I wanted to consider more carefully. There’s limited value in analyzing my past experiences to try to better understand my current problems if I miss something important. So thank you!

The first comment is harder for me to discuss since I really don’t know what to say. There have been times where I’ve felt incredibly isolated at work (and perhaps now is one of those times, but it’s starting to ease). For me, it was hard. I like the validation and encouragement that comes with liking and respecting your colleagues and their work.

One of my worst habits is assuming that others react to a situation in the exact same way that I would. Which is stupid since we’re all different. So I really hope that you, anonymous commenter, have a network of people outside work that give you some support. Academic jobs can suck away at my soul, so I need people who can restore my faith in humanity. I’ve been blessed in that those people have often come from inside my professional environment, and have received incredible support, laughter and ideas from my peers.

The thing that was hard for me, and one impetus to start this blog, is that I feel dishonest some of the time. That last paragraph ended with a true statement, but it certainly doesn't explain the complexities that explain my relationships with other grad students. Interviewing and settling into a new job, for me, has meant being Suzy Sunshine much of the time. And the fact is that it’s not always completely sincere – I identify clearly with some of the things you mentioned.

So when I...

Say: I loved my time in grad school. I worked with incredible people and learned so much!
Mean: I would have gnawed my arm off to escape that place. The people were great sometimes, but at others impersonated minions of evil to a terrifying degree.

Say: I felt there were a range of strengths present in my research group and was lucky to be able to learn and teach with such balance.
Mean: I was by turns ignored and humored by the talented ones, and taken advantage of by the weaker ones. At times, I despised each of them.

Say: I have a great deal of respect for my committee.
Mean: But they screwed me over unexpectedly and I’m still reeling from the loss of confidence that resulted.

The point is, there’s a lot of pro/con going on in my memories of graduate experiences, and even so far in this post-doc. My instinct was never to lie, but to spin things so that the people around me looked positive. It was part of my interview strategy and a good way for me to forcibly direct my own attention to the happier times of grad school.

This is my incredibly long-winded way of saying that I’m so sorry that you don’t feel good about your fellow researchers. I hope very sincerely that you’re able to find a better fit in a post-doc or faculty group wherever you next end up. There are many women (and men, I'd think) out there who are equally frustrated with dramatic, unprofessional, silly crap. I fear that I participate in it sometimes and it can be hard to change the culture of a group. So my easy-way-out strategy is to find a crowd that seems functional and friendly. Then I try to scrape together a way to take the bad with the good.

If you have a blog, I’d love to read it. I find this transition period between grad school and settled career to be fascinating. I’m personally stumbling along right now – I feel like I get something right and start to gain some confidence, then trip again. So I have a great deal of gratitude for your comment – I’m glad you like reading some of what’s here. It’s been vital for me in trying to figure myself out lately. So wherever you have your journal, I hope you’re feeling some of the same positive effects.

Last note – I despise it when people are condescending to me, so if any of that offended you or sounded patronizing, I’m so sorry. I’ve read it a few times to try to make sure that’s not the case, but I may have made a misstep here too.

This is why it's so hard for me to respond when people comment! I keep second guessing myself until I'm exhausted from editing and rewording.