Good, Bad, Obvious

There are moments when it all seems quite good. When the sun hits the corn fields and turns makes them glow pale gold. When the mist rises off the lakes and rivers in the morning, diffusing the light around the water as I pass over bridges on my morning commute. Grinning at a man who makes a file for me that greatly enhances the presentation over which I’ve been slaving for days. Making plans to meet the girls from work for drinks on Sunday and chatting with them about my plans to visit the zoo with my nieces this weekend. Hearing the buzz of conversation about how to do things better, faster and cheaper as I leave a bit early on a sunny afternoon, having finished my project a mere 90 minutes before the deadline. Beholding Smallest One’s expression of delighted focus as she placed the lid on her bottle once it was filled with milk.

Then there are the bad moments. Talk of doing something which may hurt some people I’ve met and hold in high regard. “It all comes down to money,” was the justification and despite my embracing ‘resourcing’ as an actual word to be used in spoken and written communication, it makes my stomach cramp to do something for the sake of profit which might not be best for all involved. Sounds of the hushed questions my parents asked Brother about court when they called to tell him they’d arrived safely at my house with his daughters. The thought of doing laundry, paying bills, cleaning, dealing with the lawn that will soon fill with the brightly colored leaves that have thus far clung to their branches, keeping up with friends, buying sufficient Halloween candy, etc. while finding time to sleep and keep up with work. Acknowledging that while I am lonely, there’s no one I know that could really fill the void at this point.

What’s lovely – not that it changes much, really – is that everything goes away while I work. When I’m focused on a conversation or slide or spreadsheet, I can exist only for what I’m doing at that moment, feeling peaceful and productive. I surfaced from one of those moments today, having reviewed some information and noted some minor changes, and realized the only other time I feel free from the tension and worry is when I pray or worship.

Which means, of course, that I need to get back to church. I’ll see if I can’t find a suitable place soon.