Conversational Snippets

“I’m a little stressed,” I replied to the inquiry of how I was and Linda laughed.

“I was getting that impression from your emails,” she replied and assured me everything would be OK. I asked two questions, forced myself to ask about her weekend and rushed her off the phone as quickly as possible. I’m in busy mode – people need to give me what I want and promptly move aside.

“Do you know what you’re doing?” Molly asked, poking her head through my open door.

“Rarely,” I mumbled around the pen I had in my mouth while I typed something on a slide. “What’s up?” She came closer to watch over my shoulder, finally asking if I’d send her what I had so far in the document that’s due tomorrow morning. I nodded absently and saved the file so I could email it before I forgot. By the time I left for the day, I had 20 emails half-finished with the same rationale. If I at least start something, it can act as a reminder to finish.

“Are you listening, Katie?” someone asked and I stopped typing and unmated my phone to lie and say that I was. “Can you believe that?”

“Well, yes,” I said dryly, for I seem to be more myself in this job than I have been in others. I’m rather funny, push back when annoyed and call people names – sometimes even out loud. “I mean, it’s not ideal, no, but I’m not really all that surprised. You people have already crushed my spirit here.”

“You should be outraged!” Zach said and I shrugged even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “This is awful!”

What I wanted to say – but didn’t – is that though I realize I was hired for my dedication and passion for the work we do, I’m so completely tired. There’s only so much I can give adoring attention to – with 5 projects, I can baby them all along and feel confident they’re under my capable control. But with 50? It gets pretty tough.

So now – though I know I’m painfully boring of late – I need to sleep so I can work myself to exhaustion again tomorrow.

But, honestly? I’m happy. I like managing the development of a product I find profoundly powerful. I don’t mind losing track of hours while I focus and work. Which is good, I suppose, since that’s what appears to be required.