Monday, October 29, 2007

Take 2

I sat in an exam room this morning, having left work a bit later than I expected and waiting for mere moments in the outer waiting room. I had a miserable migraine and was feeling flushed - the way I get before true headache-related sickness sets in. I tried to read a magazine, spared a thought that it was rather well written then fanned myself with the oversized pages as I waited for the doctor to come in.

I wondered if it was the same room I’d used more than a year ago. Sighed when I realized that not all that much is different. I feel immeasurably older and a bit more stable. But parts of the story remain the same.

“I never feel good.” I told Doctor when she came in. She sat on the rolling stool, crossed her legs and cocked her head to listen. “I have headaches, then get nauseated. I’m always tired, but rarely sleep without taking something to help me relax. I can’t connect with anything or anyone without working really hard at it most times. I just don’t care about work, other than feeling a desire to avoid being at the office. And when someone sneaks past my defenses, I often end up afraid that he or she will hurt me. I’m just not right.”

She asked a few questions and I answered them without nearing tears even once. Even as I led her toward the expected conclusion, I wrinkled my nose when she delivered it.

“What?” She asked easily. “You’re still on the baby dose - 20 mg isn’t that much Celexa each day. So we can run some tests if you think it’s physical, or…”

I continued to make my face and sighed. “No. I think it’s stress-related and I’m mildly depressed. I can’t seem to work past it - I’ve postponed this appointment several times for various reasons and I’m just not getting much better. So we can try more anti-depressant if you think that might help. I just don’t want to take it.”

“Yet you’re here.” She said. “So you’re ready to do something. Tell me what you want to do.”

I shrugged and shook my head at her, trying for a half smile. “I just don’t know. I want to feel better. I don’t want to get depressed. I just want to happily go about my life, handling the rough spots and enjoying the happy times. But I can’t seem to manage that right now. So how much more should I take?”

“We’ll double it.” She said immediately. “Take 2 of the ones you have and I’ll write you a new prescription for the higher dose.”

I nodded, resigned. I’m taking walks with the dog in the morning, wandering the neighborhood in the cool breezes while children climb aboard buses to head off to school. I clipped three roses off my plant in front, grabbing the green bud vase from beneath the kitchen counter and nestling the cream flowers with pink edges atop the television so I could see how pretty they are. I made it to the office, took a meeting with Henry and started some data analyzing. I’m trying. I really am. It’s just not working.

“It’s an exciting time.” Doctor said after she went to the hall to fetch the printout of my new prescription. “The holidays are coming so you’ll spend lots of time with family. You’re looking for jobs so you’ll be interviewing and meeting people and watching your future unfold. We just need to get you through the stress of all that. Then we’ll ease back on the dosage again.”

“I can deal with that.” I said then thanked her.

“If you’re not noticing an improvement in two weeks, I expect a call.” She said. “We don’t want you feeling badly all the time. If the pills don’t help, we’ll try something else.”

I nodded and folded the prescription twice so the sheet would fit neatly in my purse. I made my way out to the parking lot and got in my car. Before I started it, I just sat for a minute. Thought. Then I shook my head at myself and came home to my brindled dog, stripey cat and pretty roses.

6 comments:

JustMe said...

sorry you are not feeling good. i hope the increased dose helps... i am on 40 too.

flossie said...

Hope you feel better soon. I'm a Wellbutrin girl myself, but have heard good things about Celexa.

post-doc said...

JustMe-
We could be dosage buddies! :)

Flossie-
Thanks - me too. Celexa has worked well for me in the past - I'm hoping that a bit more of it will do the trick now.

Locks said...

i think i can identify with how your feeling. i have been feeling truly awful for the past month or so and your story makes me think i should finally go see someone.

i sincerely hope things improve. keep us updated.

H said...

The roses, and your arrangement and picture of them are very lovely.

Alethea said...

What sucks is you think deep down that you *really* don't need this medication, that you were so close to being weaned off, and that you know your personality is already flatter than before. I've been there. Still, keep some perspective. It's a treatment for a finite time, and when you're 60 you probably won't need it anymore. So, do take your medication like a good girl and you *will* feel better, at least because your doctor will keep watch over you and let you try something else if necessary. You seem to think this is a setback, but it's not. It's your current circumstances, and you know for sure they will change. Good luck.

Post a Comment