Saturday, October 20, 2007


I forgot to mention Sprout. He refused to come out of hiding when we first got home. About 15 minutes later, he made his regal way down my short hallway, greeted the dog, blinked at me dismissively then ran away when I reached to pet him.

I looked down at Chienne and she wagged her tail up at me.

"I think he's mad at me." I told her, but she didn't seem bothered by that. I decided I could wait to greet him. I got the chance about an hour later. He sat on the arm of the loveseat, then moved to the cushion next to me, then finally to my lap. He settled there for a long time, allowing me to smooth his coat while he purred.

I slept with both he and the dog last night and rested well. Yesterday morning, therefore, felt better. Today feels better still. I think the understanding that decisions have been made - and inevitable consequences accompany them - is step 1. Step 2 is waiting and taking steps to ensure that things turn around.

To that end, when Advisor responded to my Tuesday email that warned him about the potential of upcoming reference requests, I thanked him for his assurance that he was eager to give me a glowing review. And I said that I'd already been found lacking.

He replied quickly and insisted it was their loss. He suggested a contact at Industry Giant and reminded me of his friend in a city within my radius of home. I sighed, remembering how that email from a recruiter felt. I don't like being an upside-down turtle. Yet Advisor knows me and the quickest way to cheer me from a rejection is to offer a new possibility. I do better when I'm happily anticipating something rather than dwelling on past failures.

So I added some papers to my CV, carefully drafted cover letters and sent both emails. Within 15 minutes, Advisor's friend in academia had called (which I missed) and emailed. He is eager to speak with me and impressed by my accomplishments. Which is, of course, a balm to my poor ego that I desperately needed. So I wrote back and offered to speak to him next week. I need the weekend to bask in the glow of not being so stupid after all. And so I'm jealously guarding that email and the pleasant feeling of relief that goes with seeing it.

This morning, I woke and decided to add books to I have just a few friends and have happily added women when asked, but failed to give my opinion on anything at all. Guilt propelled me to make progress there, then I did some cleaning, walked the dog, took trash to the dump, made a figure and wrote an abstract while laundry continued to wash, bought National Wildlife Federation magazines for my niece and 2 cousins for Christmas and took care of other tasks that left me feeling all lovely and productive.

Mom called and happily reported that she'd been able to eat sparingly for the last 2 days and was feeling better today. She had plans on how to keep busy and was resting when she grew shaky or tired. But she sounded happy and well and I cried just a little after hanging up with her. I so desperately want her to be healthy again. I think that's the driving force behind my increasingly serious attempts to find the next job sooner than might be wise. I'm trying to get closer to home.

There is much work yet to be done. The house is only semi-clean, and only that in some rooms. I'm still irritable if the number of blog posts lately that have me scowling is any indication. But I'm making progress and feeling a bit happier. Which I think is quite good.

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