Huh.

I'd contemplate taking a blogging break if I thought I'd stick to it. I just feel lost for motivation and words lately. Worry about Mom, confusion over where to go next, a certain resignation that this is how life is... I just can't seem to muster the energy to tell stories or detail events of the day. I feel like I'm not much fun to read lately - there's not drama or joy or intensity.

I wondered - when I started taking anti-depressants - if I'd start feeling flat. And I don't know that I do. And if I do, I'm not sure I can attribute it to the pills. Yet something is missing. I don't stay up late at night worrying so I'm not writing to release swirling thoughts anymore. If I feel I won't be able to rest, I take Tylenol PM. If I feel I'm never going to find anyone to love, I stop looking. When my feelings are hurt at work, I tend to distract myself with more work.

I actually forgot Celexa when I went to Chicago. I realized it when I was 4 hours away from home and decided I'd be OK. And I was - it was a week with relatively low stress, but upon my return home, I crumbled a bit. The loss of one of my patients hit my remarkably hard. Life and work felt hopeless - no matter how hard I work, there is pain and death and grief. And even when speaking to Pastor, I felt comforted, but not particularly joyful in the knowledge that someday the pain will end.

So I started taking the pills again and waited for everything to level out. And it did. The relief upon waking and not feeling dread over facing the day is worthwhile. I'm grateful for it - I can get dressed and commute and attend meetings and conferences that I'd normally try to avoid. I registered for the retreat on Friday - I'll make the drive and share a room and interact with people I don't know and who have little interest in what I do. And it will be fine - I'll probably even write blog posts while I'm there.

Honestly, if given the choice between intensity that veers into crushing depression and feeling a bit flat, I'll take the latter. I am taking the latter. But it sometimes leaves me with very little to say.

But the house is ready for Friend to move in for the next few days while I travel north to help Mom. She was discharged from the hospital today and is, I've heard, comfortable at home. I'm eager to see her and try to help for a few days. Then I'll return to my life down here and sleep and work and try to find something to write. Perhaps it's just that I have little to anticipate... Maybe I need to plan a real vacation.