So.

I hear that whining is self-absorbed and rather annoying. I'm actually a pretty big fan myself, but, well, it seems silence is more dignified. Unless the preceding post is itself whiny and immature, then perhaps there's nowhere to go but up.

The basic story is that I'm refusing to bounce back very well. I find this... not surprising. Not even overly frustrating due to the heavy numbness that seems to have effortlessly settled over me. Sad. I seem to find it terribly sad.

"I'm sad." I told Friend. She came last night after I reported that I was struggling and has set up camp on my couch. I laughed a couple of times, once quite hard. But... "Everything is very close to the surface and it hurts."

I put Winnie's shoes in my guest room closet last night. I don't know why. I should give them to Goodwill when I drop off the other items I've been collecting. Instead I put them carefully in the shoe organizer and closed the door. It just means I'll have to deal with them again at some point. Plus, I'm very aware that they're in there.

I've been dealing with my data, feeling incredibly worthless and inadequate when I can't make something work. I am moderately surprised at the progress I've made in spite of my mood. It's coming along and if people answer questions I've sent, I'll be in reasonable shape.

I took a pill, carefully tearing open the pharmacy bag that's been on my bedroom floor for a couple of weeks now. Perhaps this will be the last time I try to stop taking them. It never seems to go all that well and I need the buffer against the bad stuff that happens, and the help with recovering when life does get moderately difficult.

The good thing, if there must be one, is that my legs didn't cramp at all while walking the dog this morning. I kept waiting for the pain, but it failed to come. Apparently the agony of yesterday did aid the muscles in releasing some of the problems to which they'd clung. Perhaps if I do some stretching and take better care of myself, it won't happen again. I personally dislike the 'pain is worthwhile in the end' theories. If these are lessons, I think I know enough already. But there are some situations that leave no wiggle room. You stare at what exists and find a way to cope.

So in typical, wordy, melodramatic fashion, I'll say that I'm fine. Too sad to write my book, though I did read parts of it today. I was briefly distracted by smiling over how very talented I think I am. I don't like myself much right now, so I'll take what I can get.

Church tomorrow morning, a bit of time at the office to catch up on stuff before Monday, and another pill. It'll be OK. Even as I wonder how I will possibly sleep tonight after napping most of the day away, I realize that it will be fine.