OK

I talked to Dr. Counselor this morning. He irritated me in various ways.

I had an appointment to get more Celexa. Doctor said she would have helped me taper off had I called her and that if I decide to try to stop the pills again, to just let her know. But she wrote a prescription for another year and told me to do what I felt worked. I like her. And while I waited in the exam room, I read about young Chinese and Indian consumers in a very old Newsweek. I also learned the avian flu - due to some overreaction of good immune systems - would mostly affect the young and strong. I hadn't known that. Then I read about spas in India. I really need to do more traveling soon. And I don't know that Chicago in the summer counts. I mean, I do love Chicago very much, but I've been there. I want something exotic! Yet deep dish pizza makes up for a lot. So Chicago is lovely - I'm actually quite eager for that trip.

I went back to work where I have data analyzing away. I'm now making every Mac I own run at extremely hot temperatures. I did figure out my problem (yay, I guess) and think things are going well now. I hope.

I got my chapter back with some good comments. I'd like to add another section, so I'm considering how to make that work.

I'm tired. I woke up at 3 last night to start more data - the processing steps are lengthy and it's something I can set up for 30 minutes, then it runs for 5 hours. But I feel myself starting to obsess over work and I don't really want that.

When I do that, I take random comments personally. Someone asked for some descriptive text and figures for some of my work for a section of a website. He made a follow-up comment which could have just been a question or could have been a jab at my progress here. Regardless, my feelings were hurt. He's one of the polar bears and I typically feel unwelcome and inferior around them. Having that reinforced - even if accidentally - is sucky.

I'm reminded of how my session with Dr. Counselor ended this morning. "I'm OK." I said and he nodded in agreement. "I'm not happy, but I'm OK." I concluded firmly. I meant that I'm not unhappy - things are fine, I feel stable, life is reasonably smooth. But looking at the statement now, I find it rather painful. And I'm not sure how I can fix it.

I guess I'll go back to my data so I can focus on being productive. That's something. It's not happiness, but it's something.