Really lucky or really not – The Plan: Month 7

I am – as always – unsure as to how I should view something. On one hand, this is the seventh plan update, which seems to be a good sign. Yet it’s Friday the 13th (I failed to watch scary movies growing up for the simple reason that they were scary and I’m pretty weak and prone to nightmares) and my list of things to do at work leaves me blinking with the thought that I’ll never get all of that done. I believe this day – and perhaps this month – will either be very good or very bad. I can’t tell which though.

1. Health
Given that I’ve been feeling icky for the past few days, I should be taking better care of myself. I wondered the other day what was wrong with me. What emotional problem leaves me feeling that eating well and exercise is just too much work. It doesn’t seem that hard in the abstract. I take walks in the morning - why not do aerobics in the evenings? Why do I eat more than I actually want? Why is it so appealing to pretend that my body matters naught?

Other than the time I spend on a massage table, I’m pretty unaware of the physical unless something is wrong. Having been fit in the past, I know that there’s a wonderful feeling that comes from toned muscles and the ability to jog and lift heavy objects in some repetitive fashion. So when I’m eating food when I’m not particularly hungry or curling up with a book instead of going for a walk, I’ve been asking myself why I don’t want to be healthier. I don’t know the answer, but hopefully the question will curb some of the self-destructive behavior. I’m struggling to get it together here. It’s one area where The Plan just can’t seem to make much progress.

2. God
I’m returning to a peaceful state where I think things happen under some control. Not that good things come to those who deserve them (or the reverse, actually), but that God is present and aware and very loving. I’ve prayed a bit, though not enough. But this ‘pray without ceasing’ standard is rather unreasonable, I think. (Perhaps my time in the south is preparing me for a heated eternity in Hell.)

At Easter service, Pastor talked with passion and gratitude of the resurrection. She also spoke on the message held within the New Testament not as a system of guidelines or blessings, but one of releasing fear.

“Fear not.” She said and noted examples as to where it appeared in the scriptures. Fear leads to distractions and addictions, to shying away from all that life could be in the hopes of avoiding pain. I think if one exists in joy and peace and the certainty of God’s love, there is such capacity for resilience and power and good. Fear is understandable, of course. I live in it much of the time – I don’t take care of myself, might die alone, don’t work hard enough, don’t pray frequently. The list of excuses as to why my life isn’t bright and fulfilling are impressive. Pushing past the fear and into faith would be more impressive still. I’ll work on it.

A few times in the past days, whether talking to patients or friends or colleagues, I’ve listened with great empathy. As their trepidations were clarified, I thought to myself, “Fear not. For God is with you.” It comforted me – eased the worry on their behalf. It’s definitely time to start saying it aloud though. Sadness is OK – there are many reasons to be sad, I think. Fear, however, isn’t what God wants.

3. Professional
I’m retaining the focus on “Get out by August, 2008. Northward bound!” subsection of The Plan. Not that I wouldn’t stay if the circumstances were right, but preparing to leave seems the right way to go for me.
Project M – Stalled while waiting to recruit first patient. All I can do is wait in a constant state of readiness. Picture me, if you like, as a cat ready to pounce. (The more accurate picture would be of a cat taking a nap, of course, but the pouncing part is partially true.
Project X – In what is truly a shocking turn of events, we’ve recruited two patients for this. I have data! While I’m bothered on an emotional level for these particularly sick lawns, the relief of having data with which to play is significant (p<0.05, of course.) My way around getting asked about p values because I’m fond of using the word ‘significant’ is to switch loyalties. Now everything is ‘considerable.’

Friend solved an Excel problem for me last night and allowed me to make considerable progress on one part of the data analysis. I appreciate that a considerable amount.
Project P – Haven’t even thought about it.
Project H – Penguin owes me a paper. Actually he did last week. I’ll send him email. “Dear Penguin: Please send paper. Thanks, Katie.” Done.
Project B – I did some more reading, but Steve said he was handling things. I’m more than happy to ignore this, so that’s lovely.
Project A – Still menial. Still no rewards. The difference is that now I’m greatly bothered. Freaking, miserable, icky project. I want out from under it, but I’ll continue to find time to deal with crap that doesn’t help me at all. Fine. Whatever. Whores.
Project C – As I would have predicted (because I am pessimistic), the data finally arrived and I haven’t had time to glance at it. I’m sticking it on a USB drive and bringing it home this weekend. It’s not hard – just time-consuming. But I’m a whore for publications, so I don’t mind doing it.
Chapter – Drafted and to Boss. Yay for me!

4. Social
I owe phone calls to Rachel, Elle and the darling Charlie. I want to speak to them, but it really gets in the way of my wasting time and napping. I’ll do it though – soon. Seems silly to want new friends when I refuse to care for those I have though. Oh, M also called when she got a copy of the journal with my cover. I need to call her too.

In addition, I have met people in the past year or so who matter to me. Friend is considerably important (and not just for Excel problems and injecting my dog with allergy stuff, though I do appreciate both of those things). I also adore some of you who write blogs. You count as friends. From now on, if I would insist upon you hanging out with me if we lived reasonably close (which we do not), we’re friends. So I’m not as socially stunted as I might have otherwise believed.

5. Family
I enjoy being home, but it’s a long trip. I love Little One tremendously and miss her a great deal. She asks about me, which breaks my heart. I really do wish I lived closer.

6. Service
I suck – I’m selfish. Work has overtaken the time that should go toward volunteering. I need to fix that ASAP.

Now it’s raining so I can’t walk poor Chienne. She received leftover steak as a consolation prize. I have a massage scheduled at 10 – I really like my therapist a lot. Then I have a post-it full of tasks to complete today, some of which I’ll bring home this weekend so I can make progress away from work. Lucky or not, fearful or not, life goes on. Hopefully something worthwhile will come from this month. I feel rather hopeful and calm about it - perhaps The Plan is doing some good after all.