Taxes, Massages and Men

The hour from 2AM to 3AM was spent cleaning my office files. I filled out my taxes last night – immediately after receiving my W2 – and was dismayed to find that Form EZ wanted me to pay nearly $1000.

“I don’t really want to pay $1000.” I told Form EZ. But my itemized deductions last year were less than the standard amount, so I was a bit sad that this year would likely follow the same pattern. Form EZ didn’t offer any solutions or sympathy, so I used the free version of Turbo Tax just to see how itemizing deductions might work out.

It was with great joy that I watched the numbers in the corner of the screen – in the Tax You Owe box – get smaller and smaller as I offered more information. Then it changed to something like Amount of Your Refund and I grew more and more joyful as the number continued to increase. Apparently interest on my mortgage, property taxes and charitable giving help me out!

I threw Form EZ away with a sound of disdain. I do not believe a change in tax strategy should result in a $1400 difference in the refunded amount. And no, I didn’t grow up wealthy and can make tax statements like that fairly indignantly. But rather than paying Turbo Tax, I decided to print the appropriate 1040 form and fill it in myself. I finished that and went to bed relatively early.

I found myself awake around 2 and considered my deductions from charitable contributions. I don’t keep track of my charitable giving, though I knew my tithing amounts since the church keeps sending me paperwork about it. They only know because I pay with checks – who has time to stop and get cash on Sunday morning? My thought is that I give because I finally make enough money to do so. Cystic Fibrosis? Have $15 for research. Cancer foundations get more because I work with cancer – we need the cash. I tend toward diseases, though I do support a couple of food banks and Habitat for Humanity. Oh, and ASPCA. Because they are good dogs. My point is that I give because I want to and can afford it. Not because I was looking for a tax break, I thought superiorly.
Which sounds really good until you think of me throwing papers in all directions in the middle of the night as I search for bank statements to see if I gave $5 or $7 to Leukemia and Lymphoma last April. Because if I find enough of them, I could move to a lower tax line! And get more cash from the government! Screw selfless giving to those in need – I should have given more so I could claim it all on my taxes! After highlighting my bank statements, I realized I didn’t want to be that person. So I left it alone. I did, however, ask for my $30 telephone tax refund thingie. Don’t forget to do the same when you fill out tax forms!

I’m not sure if it was my late night deduction-fest or if I was just lazy today, but I had trouble leaving the house. I just wanted to sleep – all cozy and warm – while the world was busy with its cold, cloudy day. But I had a massage scheduled this afternoon and there’s a cancellation fee, so I made my way toward campus after noon.

After an hour on a heated table, I felt pretty good. The knots are out of my shoulders and neck, I’m to work on my posture in general and that weird pain in the back of my leg is gone. I liked this therapist better than the one I saw the first time, so that's good to know. And I really should cut back to every other week – massage is apparently high on the addictive scale for me.

I forced myself to come to work and in just a few hours wrapped up a bunch of loose ends. I now – as I wait impatiently for a dinner out when Friend can finally escape her lab – have completed all I can think of and am writing from work. I rarely do that. And apparently when I do it today, things don’t go so well. This is more newsy than interesting, I think.

One of the eHarmony boys offered his phone number. That’s news. I believe I shall call him soon. He’s my age, and for some reason that makes me think he’s painfully young. I don’t know when I decided I belonged with someone older, but it seems to be a semi-strong belief since it bugs me that he’s not even 30 yet. And he’s not the best at email, though he seems sweet. And 29 dimensions of compatibility indicate we should get along at least reasonably well. Maybe.

No news from Client, though I’m now wildly curious as to why he hasn’t emailed and want to meet him. I’d guess that 2 weeks without initial contact means he was humoring poor Dr. Counselor. Perhaps I’m just regretting the loss of the blog post that would have resulted from such a meeting. Hard to say.

Part of it – of all of this seemingly unconnected text – is that I want what I can’t have. I want to be unselfish – benevolently contributing with no expectation of any benefit to me. But I’m not that person. Not really. Given the opportunity for personal gain, I grasp at it just as hard as anyone would. And when presented with a boy who faithfully emails every day and offers a phone number, I’m left unimpressed. I’ll call because I feel like I should more than out of some great desire to get to know this particular man. But if there’s someone who ignores me (and there are many men who do just that), I’m fascinated and eager to prance around proving that I am, in fact, worthy of attention. My favorite massage therapist is closer to where I live, but is much more expensive than the current plan I use close to campus. And before I select a therapist for every month, I must try out everyone who works at my new location. Because there might be something better – you won’t know unless you try, right?

At some point though, I want to settle. Pick the qualities I like in myself and reign in those that trouble me. Find a man who adores me regardless, but for whom I will prance anyway because I think he’s too wonderful to resist. I rather like that last line, so I think I’ll leave it at that.