Flop?

I am safely home.

I did make it to the coast, moving up and down and left and right through the canyons and over the mountains that separated me from the water. As I drove, I thought of the email I sent Adam this morning. I decided to explain the situation that may result in a competing offer so that he knows what's up. I like him and, even while I consider a fabulous opportunity elsewhere, I still want to work for him.

I haven't received a response to that email - I'll let you know how it all turns out. I'll confess to a bit of worry. But I was also worried when I didn't hear anything for the past weeks and he remains interested. Which proves that I tend to be overly negative.

It was foggy when I left my hotel, but I saw the sun once I reached an adequate high elevation. I stopped to take pictures, admiring the sky and curving road and pretty mountains. I sighed with pleasure and began to drive again, reaching the beach some 20 minutes later.

I frowned through the fog and blinked with confusion at what I thought was snow. Then I chortled a little when I realized it was more likely sand since I'd been descending the mountain for quite some time at that point. I rolled down the window and took a deep breath, smiling when I smelled ocean even though it wasn't clearly visible through the fog.

Today, therefore, was not as good as I hoped. Nor was particularly bad, but if I was shocked with delight yesterday, I was less so today.

Examples? A direct flight home (yay!) in the middle seat (boo) next to feather-glitter man (huh). A drive next to the ocean, the views of which would be stunning (yay!) but it's too foggy to really appreciate it (boo).

Though, I decided as I inched along with traffic, if I was going to be sitting in my car, it was rather lovely to be able to hear the crash of the waves. To see surfers wiggling into wetsuits or peeling them off. There were some gorgeous houses and beachy shops and restaurants. Some scattered parking and small signs denoting beach access.

I thought through pros and cons of jobs, deciding to leave it for a time when I wasn't worried about finding the place to return my car or dreading spending hours waiting for my flight. I plan to think it through carefully and have one last phone interview tomorrow. I just don't know right now - I feel tired and relieved to be home and it's seeming hard to sort out.

It's a little like the mountains and beach and fog, I guess. I have information - all the information I'm likely to get, really. And knowing what I do about my priorities and potential, and what I do about the opportunities I've been so lucky to receive, I'm trying to forecast my feelings should I pick one or the other. And that's hard.

The fact is that there are likely to be good days full or promise and productivity and others where I'll wish desperately that I'd picked the other job. I'll get frustrated with colleagues and deadlines. I expect I'll also learn a tremendous amount and meet brilliant people and be fabulously happy at times. In terms of being better or worse with one option, I can't tell. So we'll probably talk about that tomorrow.

Good/Bad. Sunny/Foggy. Midwest/West Coast. What I'm sure of in the moment is that it's good to be home and I'm pretty tired. The rest is going to wait for tomorrow, I think.