Time

I have a few good coping mechanisms. They’re not novel, but I continue to remind myself of them when I’m feeling badly. I’ve done my share of moping in the time I’ve been here (posts too numerous to link), so I’ve done more than a little thinking about some tricks that help me function.

The first is pretty obvious. I’m introverted and tend to gain perspective and strength through time spent by myself – whether I’m mindlessly watching television, forgetting about my problems through reading blogs, curling up to nap, spending time in prayer, writing something appropriately painful and miserable. It takes some time – sometimes days, sometimes weeks – but I tend to bounce back. I count on that – tell myself that if I hang in there, I’ll figure it out, then return to full productivity and cheerful enjoyment of the outside world.

The second is equally important since I’m a bit sensitive. My delicate feelings are easily bruised, then I feel sorry for myself and things spiral downward relatively quickly. On a day like today – where sadness seems overwhelming – I kept reminding myself of how I heal. It just takes time. I get through today – whether by working or watching television or reading a book – then tonight I get to sleep and wake up to tomorrow. One day exists between me and whatever hurt me. Those days have a way of starting to pass more quickly – I forget to dwell upon the boy who didn’t call or the grant I didn’t get funded or how very much I miss living close to my family. Sometimes those thoughts return and they sting, but it’s more manageable.

After I wrote my dating series, many searches regarding ‘how long do I wait for him to call?’ or ‘should I call him?’ brought people here. I’d twist my mouth for each of them, shake my head, then shrug. I’m not really sure, even having done more blind dating than any one person should have to endure. It’s tough, and all the He’s Just Not That Into You books or Dr. Phil advice doesn’t appeal to me. Though I haven’t read either, so I guess I can’t make a strong statement either way.

My guess – the one that’s hopeful – is that it doesn’t matter if or when you call him. If he likes you, it’ll be fine. He’ll be charmed by your interest or intrigued by your absence. If he doesn’t, day 2 vs. day 5 won’t matter much, I think. If you can’t stand the wait, call. I’ve been there – it’s strangely soothing to take control, regardless of the outcome. If you’re despondently resolved to let him come to you (or not), then wait it out. I’ve found that every day I come home to an unblinking answering machine light, no jingles to notify me I have voice mail, or an empty inbox means that I’m one day closer to diminished hope that he’ll wake up and realize how fantastic I am, which means the intensity of the pain lessens as well.

Making my way through those days isn’t easy, which I why I keep a careful mental list of all the times it’s worked before. I believe completely in the efficacy of this strategy – difficult as it may be at first – so those reminders help. I can think about Gabe – now 3 years after we’ve had any contact at all – with not much feeling at all. I am, in fact, befuddled as to why I cared for so long and with such intensity. When I first went home after we had our family dog put to sleep, I wondered if I’d ever stop looking for her. Suppress that impulse to reach down to cuddle her before I went to sleep. I knew I would - I stopped dialing Grandma's number when I wanted to talk. But I was just back at my parents’ and didn’t think of her at all. Time passed. It got easier. It’s the only thing I’ve found that works. Though I still look for Winnie at group meetings.

Now there are all sorts of mechanisms for getting through the bad days, right? I tend to give people some sort of free pass here – you’re hurting and I hate to see people in pain, so if you can find something that comforts you, go for it. Eat some ice cream, though I prefer cake (brownies, cookies...) Drink – I like white wines, but don't have more than 2 glasses without getting sleepy. Sneer and swear at the happy couples around you – they clearly do suck when I’m unhappy. Drive by a prison on a commute and think that at least I have my freedom. Pray. That last one does the trick for me, though it often takes me a little while to get there. I wondered, as peace settled around me recently, if this is all some continuous lesson God can’t quite get to stick.

Things go wrong. I don’t always get what I want, and understanding that life has a way for working out for the best doesn’t offer a significant comfort in the moments after I realize I’ve been thwarted. Let’s say I fell in love. With a man who lives in Town which is outside City. Perhaps the relationship has been ending for a long time, but I officially took steps to finish things off, though I did so only “for the time being” understanding that it would likely culminate in “until the end of time.” I would be sad about this end, but would acknowledge that it was the right thing to do. It doesn’t help when I need a moment to catch my breath from the stress of work and have to recoil from a comforting fantasy of being with someone specific. When I hear a song I’d told him I liked, then skip past it on my iPod because it hurts to think about – to remember the brilliant hope I had and realize that the goal now is to kill it.

I returned home today – one day away from the pain I estimate will last a nice, long while – and opened some mail. There were 2 wedding invitations that arrived while I was traveling, which is funny in a sad sort of way. But so many people have found what I’m looking for that I’m used to sending my regrets, choosing a gift to have delivered, then forgetting all about it. I don’t like weddings. These two – one from a grad school friend I liked a great deal, and another from a cousin – are in Town and City, respectively. I laughed - life is funny. And if sometimes there are minor pains – frustrated desires, basically – it’s good to put them in perspective.

Which I will do. Later. Until then, Time – Sarah McLachlan – makes me ache and feel desperately sorry for myself. So for now, I think the goal is to wallow a bit, distract a lot, and keep waiting.