Look out! I have a plan!

I love plans – there are very few things that make me gleeful when I’m having a bad time than plotting how to get myself out of said sadness. The problem is that plans – or rather the execution thereof – require a ton of energy. Change is hard – from beginning to end – and the more I realize how very true that is, the more likely I am to think a nap is likely the better option.

But no. I think control (or the illusion of control? No matter – we’re focused on the plan!) is crucial right now. I need to be busy – have needed that all summer, but have instead wallowed and moped. I’m OK with that – it was probably the right thing to do so I could prepare for what could be a challenging several months. But when I spent parts of last night walking from the bedroom to the living room to the shower, murmuring alternately “it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.” Or “I’m sad, I’m sad, I’m sad.” It's just too much lately - all kinds of sad things keep happening and I'm tired of feeling helpless and small. Something has to give.

Or, in my case, a number of somethings!

Problem 1. Location
On my drive home a couple weeks ago, I rolled down the window on a country road that had been reduced to a single lane over a bridge that was being repaired. Chienne doesn’t like to stop without being able to explore, so I compromise and roll the window down so she can stick her white nose and floppy ears out the window and sniff. She enjoys this very much.

I glanced in the rearview mirror as I leaned over to pat her as the window eased downward and was wearing a grimace. I despise the pervasive heat and humidity that defines every day of my life here in the south, and though I expect it, I greet it with uniform displeasure. I eased closer to the open window when I noticed the air coming in was not hellishly hot and heavy, but cool. It smelled of freshly cut grass and oncoming rain, and there was a hint of exhaust from the construction equipment busily working as we waited our turn to cross the bridge.

I opened my window, resisted the urge to stick my nose and newly cut above the shoulder hair out the window like the dog, and breathed in deeply. My mood was instantly lighter with eager anticipation for fall. But I don’t want to wait until it creeps down to me. I want breaks from the heat, the early arrival of the turning leaves and cooler temperatures, bitterly cold winters that make your ears and nose hurt then go numb. So I looked at Chienne as our lane of traffic started to move, but left the windows down as we proceeded north.

“I want to go home.” I told her, and decided that when my second year is up, I will depart my southern city. This is a big deal, and is causing me a small amount of worry, but I believe it's right.

Problem 2. Health
I’ve been half-assing it here. And that’s OK too – I’ve taken off some weight that I desperately needed to lose. I feel and look better. That’s nice. But enough screwing around.

I haven’t had a physical since I got here. I can’t get the doctor’s office to answer right now, but I will make an appointment today. Then I will actually show up at said appointment, and let them draw blood, look at my freckles to make sure they’re not bad freckles (I don’t think they are though) and go through that general unpleasantness to make sure nothing is wrong. Then I will feel happy and relieved. It’s going to be fantastic. (It's also going to be in late January - I could pretend I'm disappointed in the long wait, but I'm not.)

My morning walks are great – good for me for doing that. I eat reasonably. For someone who is somewhat busy and single, that is. But I’m adding aerobics to my routine – when my walk is rained out or I’m feeling blah in the evenings, I plan to do something extra. Plus, Richard Simmons believes I can lose the weight and since I did the last time I worked with him, I like him. I find him sweet and nonthreatening, and he usually says “God bless you.” at the end of the tapes, at which point I can say, “God bless you too, Richard Simmons.” and I feel good about having done a gentle work-out. I've done tapes with Mom since I was young, and I'm not ashamed. Richard and I are going to be pals again.

I’m more on the fence about the food, but I do think that’s important too. I still have to come up with a plan here though. Luckily, being depressed has morphed into a 'too sad to eat' sort of experience of late. This is a huge contrast to my grad school experiences of 'eat everything in sight then figure out how to get more delivered.' Neither are good, but given the choice, I'll take the former.

Problem 3. God
Well, God isn’t the problem, being perfect and all, but I’ve drifted away. In my mind, He’s pulling me back and I very much appreciate the gesture. I’m being reminded in several ways that I need Him a great deal. I’m praying more and feeling more peaceful. I’m scared about some of these changes I want to implement, so I’m seeking reassurance, comfort and some sort of gentle guidance of which direction might work best.

I have several guided devotional books gathering a great deal of dust. I’ll have to actually find my Bible and note it’s good that God forgives because it’s shameful that I haven’t used it in so long. I’ve abandoned the ‘find a new church!’ plan and have decided to attend the one I originally chose. It’s convenient, comfortable and will provide me a place to worship – sing and pray and learn in a community with many families. I like contributing financially to their ministry and I can grow a bit there. It doesn’t have to be perfect because I’m not staying here. And that makes me more relaxed about my relationship with a church, and more intense about my relationship with God. Both are good realizations.

Problem 4. Professional
Lack of progress. Always with the lack of [insert curse word because I'm trying to cut back. See Problem 3.] progress. I think the knowledge that I’m going to be doing some job searching in about 9 months will provided the terrified motivation to get something done. After all, who wants to answer, “Not so much. I did start a blog!” when asked about their postdoctoral experience? Not I, said the Katie. So after I finish writing out the overall plan for life, I shall write out the overall plan for research. With a time line. It might even be color-coded!

Briefly, I’m not going to resubmit the grant. I’ll wait until I move, decide what’s appropriate and submit it elsewhere. It’s a good start, so I’ll work on revising it, but not a priority. This frees up time. I sort of enjoy seeing people post lists of their work, so I'll give you mine too. Free free to skip it since it's more for my benefit than yours. (Why I think the rest of this post is keeping you on the edge of your seat with fascinated interest, I'm not sure.)

• Pilot Project M – 100 patients? Intimidating. 10 patients? Doable. Schedule a meeting (check!), figure out the plan, find some money and get the data. Write a paper.
• Project X – 20-30 patients on the best study I’ve ever designed. It will work (I think). It should generate 2-3 papers of high quality (maybe). I’m asking for money tomorrow and very much hope to get some. Then we’ll get started (hopefully). This is going to be the main priority very soon (though I wish I had more confidence). It’s exciting.
• Project P – This is a pain in the ass for a few reasons. I need to sit down with Boss and decide how we’re going about it, what the endpoints are, and what the weekly responsibilities should be. I don’t want to do it, but understand it will help me and the institution. So just deal, Katie, I scold myself.
• Project H – I want my own paper out of this and have stubbornly set my mind on it. I have a decent idea, have done the time-consuming yet easy part, and need to finish up the analysis with the time-consuming yet hard part. I’d like to present it to a few people again next week, then write. Please work. Please, please, please let something work. Regardless, it should provide a much-needed authorship on what could be an important piece of work from the penguin.
• Project F – for Finish up the Freaking thesis crap already. Paper 1 – published soon. Paper 2 – revised and resubmitted. Oddly proud of that little guy. Paper 3 – undergoing major revisions with Boss’s help. Please, please, please let that work out.
• Project B – Play whatever minor role can get my name on this paper. Don’t focus too much on the mindless tasks offered here because it’s not that big of a deal.

Problem 5. Social
Emboldened by meeting my Unnamed Friend, I have decided that I will enjoy my current location (which is delightful, actually) as much as possible in the coming months. I could easily blow this one off though (Know thyself, yes?), so I’ve set specific goals.

I bought season tickets for football, which was insanely cheap. They arrived while I was away and the tickets are so pretty! I will find someone to attend each game with me and can trek to campus to enjoy this activity. I like (though not love) football and have never attended a college game. Ever. I’m fixing that very soon.

I’m seriously considering dating a bit. I’m thinking eHarmony. 1 month only. No initiating contact, but responding to everyone promptly and happily. I like those guidelines – I think I’ll do it. Perhaps I'll meet someone to take to football!

Given the choice between forcing friendships – whether through dating or picking people and trying to do things with them – and going someplace alone, I’ll go alone more often than not (though not always). So I’ll try that – art exhibits, shows, symphonies. If I want to go and nobody wants to go with, I’ll try going by myself. If it’s awful, I won’t do it again. But it might be just fine.

Problem 6. Family
I miss my family. A lot. I enjoy the Little One tremendously. I can laugh and talk to Mom with such amazing comfort that I’m lost as to how I can live without it on a more regular basis. While I’m not able to move immediately (it doesn’t fit with the plan!), I am going to make more trips home. The drive is inconvenient. It’s sometimes stressful to be at home around the noise when I’m so accustomed to quiet. Goals 4 and much of 5 might suffer. That’s OK. I want to spend more time with people I love – this every other month thing doesn’t work for me.

One thing I've learned is that some things - many things, maybe - are finite. People go away in any number of ways, for any number of reasons. And while it can be heartbreaking, infuriating or surprisingly OK, there's a reason that so many people advise spending time with people you love. Showering them with affection and attention while you have them. I need to do that.

Problem 7. Being selfish
This is probably a big one, and I'm throwing at the end because, well, I am selfish. It's a character flaw. So I'll talk endlessly about me and how life is going to change (yes, I know it's going to be hard. Parts of it may not happen. But part of the joy in a plan is the initial stage where I believe it's not only possible, but likely that I'm going to emerge from the plan a better, stronger, super Katie! Wait for the post in just a little while - I think I'll title it "Fine." and write something like, "The plan failed. I'm watching televison. We won't speak of the plan again.")

I got distracted by talking about me again. Sorry.

I want to tutor my little group again, starting soon. Next week, hopefully. I enjoy them. I think I'll do better this year. I hope it matters a bit to them. It, at least, takes me out of my head for an hour and keeps my focus on younger people who have choices ahead of them that I've already made. I wish I could do more, but I don't know that I can follow through. So we'll stick here for now.

I think that's it. Seven problems - seven ways to make some serious progress! I'm excited - it could generate some new, interesting posts. Or at least the "Fine." one. Good times.