Error: Out of Memory

Of all the excuses that can be used when you’ve avoided doing something – returning a phone call, responding to email, making plans to see a person – I have one that I strongly dislike hearing. Now I cancel plans and avoid people more than most, I guess. I get depressed or am overly self-centered. Just don’t feel like talking. So I’ve used many excuses myself and don't blame people for using the one I hate. It's not you, folks. It's me.

Why did I think of it? Are you ready for a programming story?

I did some work on Project H today – the time-consuming yet difficult part ended up being easy. Well, it was easy after I figured out how to fix a problem. Let’s see if I can tell you a bit about what I’m trying to do. There are these massive data matrices, and I think I’ve isolated the center of the most interesting information. To try to figure out what’s really going on, people have suggested that I create a series of spheres so that I have concentric rings in three dimensions that radiate outward from this center I can define. Through some sort of comparison of these 30 rings, I should be able to isolate the part of the data that’s most important.

The time-consuming but easy part was creating the spheres. Making empty datasets to match the original, then filling in values, clicking on points, checking to make sure everything was aligned properly. I did that for about 30 patients (that’s 900 spheres for those of you who didn’t feel like doing the math), then wrote a simple Matlab function that would give me the 30 histograms (per patient) that I needed. A few things needed to happen, so I decided to do it assembly line style.

To start, I need to have Matlab load the spheres. Then I wanted to know how big each sphere was (it did vary for complicated reasons. I’ll spare you that part), needed to reshape it, find nonzero voxels, make an initial histogram, then normalize it. Then that histogram waits for the next biggest sphere to go through the same process so we can subtract the two. And now we have a ring. We need 29 more.

Since it is a continuous process (sphere9-sphere8, then sphere10-sphere9, etc.), it made sense (to me, anyway) to go through groups of functions. Load all spheres. Then determine size of all spheres. Make all the histograms. Normalize all histograms. Then subtract. Lovely.

Except I tried to run that in Matlab and got to sphere 17 (of 30, remember?) and Matlab said no. Error: Out of Memory. Red text appears on the screen and the little “Busy” indicator in the corner goes away because I asked for too much. Dismayed, I stared at the screen yesterday and quit. Went to work, made my presentation (I got some money!) and decided I’d think about it this morning. Then I woke up and after my devotional time but before my walk (Oh, I still love The Plan. A lot.), I rewrote my code. The answer is obvious, after all.

What I want to do is only load what I’ll use right away. Then clear it so there’s room for new information. So I load sphere1, make it all neat, pretty and get it to final form, keep only that smaller, useful final piece of data, and erase the rest. Then there’s room for sphere2 to go through the same process. Matlab zips right through the data and spits out my histograms like a good little program.

What struck me – because this is a lot of mindless copying as I make my way through all the patient data – is that it might make a nice analogy. A sad one, but something I need to work through.

The truth is that we can only push ourselves so hard – can only ask so much of others. We have limited resources and are – in some sense – defined by those limitations. Some of us travel based upon how much money and vacation we can spare. Many of us live where we can find jobs that satisfy us rather than a great love for our geographical region. We share offices because there’s nothing else available. Deal with substandard software or equipment because we can’t afford better.

Choose people to love based on the amount of emotional energy we have to spare.

Or maybe that’s just me.

But as I get older, I already have people taking up space in my heart. And I don’t feel I’m able to give them the attention they deserve at times. I haven’t spoken to Rachel since she visited. Talked to Elle the following week, but not again recently. Carrie and I won’t see each other until next spring, and only then if we end up at the same conferences. M might visit me next year after an exam she needs to take in Kentucky. And I’m actually congratulating myself for actually doing in-person visits with 3 of the 4 women within the past year. I’m pleased I found time to spend with my family before coming home from my Florida trip. It just doesn’t fit in all that easily!

I love each of these people too much to discard them completely, so I’ve reduced them to some manageable form, then saved that. I used to help fix dinner and take turns with Brother drying dishes while Mom washed. Now, even when I'm home, we'll eat out or throw something together, then clean up as we find time around the Little One's schedule. Those talks with Mom are pushed aside. All that time I spent in undergrad listening to how a paper was graded unfairly or how this really cute boy smiled at her? Cleared. I have no idea how any of my girls are doing day to day. While the process seems normal and necessary, I also find it sad.

At some point, it’s a little like using people, isn’t it? My girls in undergrad – Rachel and Elle – were my first real friends. They knew me and loved me and offered this incredible sense of comfort and support. I, dazzled with gratitude that I found such amazing women to share living space with, showered them with affection and time spent listening, laughing, patting shoulders in sympathy, gasping with outrage when someone had wronged them.

Then I started grad school, and found myself making room for new friends, classes, research, my own apartment. Rachel and Elle got reduced and/or cleared in some normal but very real way. I find myself missing them, though there’s no way to incorporate them into my daily life now any more than there was in grad school. So is that it? I’m done? They were a sphere I needed at one point of the program, but now all I need is the final histogram? Push the rest aside so there’s room for new information to enter?

The problem – for me – with living alone for so long is that I’ve become a bit more selfish. Find I guard my time carefully. Decide to refuse social plans so that I can rest and relax at home. I love doing my yard work because it’s productive time I can spend alone with my thoughts. Yet I’ll sometimes scowl when my parents call to talk. Find myself wishing for a nap when the Little One asks for more Blue or Barney. It’s awful, but I get tired. Out of memory, basically. Something has to get shoved aside to make room for more work. Different friends. Implementing The Plan.

It seems, therefore, that I’d be understanding of getting pushed aside myself. Would be gracious and understanding because, after all, I count myself among the worst offenders.

So, the worst excuse you can give me? That makes me hurt though it’s completely honest and understandable?

“I’m just really busy.”

Because all I can wonder, upon hearing such a thing, is when I’ll find someone who wants to keep me. Who finds me so fascinating and charming that he’s willing to clear other things to make more room for me.

Even when I hear it from friends or colleagues, I remember I hearing the excuse from Gabe – despairing over why I couldn’t be more important to someone I considered so amazing. And now, over 7 years later, I still haven’t found it. The sphere that makes up Katie is easily reduced to a tiny blip or erased completely. It’s difficult – even with The Plan – to ignore that fact. To make my way through these data with my efficient little m-file and wonder why I can't find someone who wants to keep me.