I took it as a good sign when the sunshine failed to irritate me. What yesterday would have been a horrid insult is acceptable today. I believe I am beginning to recover.
After reading my post yesterday, it struck me as non-ideal to continue to swallow sleep medication so I stopped. Unfortunately, that left me awake most of last night, tossing and turning until Chienne sighed heavily and flopped on my legs to keep me still. I napped more than anything, waiting rather comfortably for night to end and came downstairs to fetch coffee when it was officially time to be awake. The main floor is clean, which helps, and cool air slipping past doors I'd left open left it comfortable to snuggle under a blanket.
Testing my feelings much as one would a sore tooth - pressing very gently for just a second, then using a bit more pressure, then holding for a moment longer - I decided to take another walk. Once in my depressed hole and protected by the numbness, I feel OK. It's facing people that frightens me and, knowing my neighborhood, I was certain they'd be outside on their bicycles, jogging the paths or walking their dogs. So it was back in my sweatshirt and flip flops and with a happy Chienne on the end of her leash that we set off in the sunshine.
I'm slow, I realized upon gasping at the man who sped by on his bicycle. I put my hand to my chest, severely startled, and looked down at my faithful canine. She'd taken the opportunity offered by my standing completely still to begin eating grass, like a brindled and very tiny cow. I stood, feeling simultaneously warm from the sun and cool from the breeze and watched her. I wondered if grass offered some essential nutrient missing in her kibble. Perhaps unkept lawns offended her on some profound level, compelling her to gnaw at them until grasses were of a proper length.
"You're silly," I told her when she looked up at me and I smiled when she wagged her tail before returning to her project. We finally set off again, nodding and returning the wishes of good mornings as needed. I reminded myself not to stare as I grew lost in forgotten thoughts, knowing I often look in the same spot as I try to regain my mental balance. I no longer feel sad, though confusion and an odd sense of guilt linger. I do retreat into the vague lack of connection at times, but it's easier to ease back into life. I just linger at the periphery since it all seems to fast and loud right now. But I've left the television off for the morning as I linger at the back of my pretty house while the bushes that smell of pine guard the front porch.
Chienne's nails tap the deck as she keeps watch out back, prancing across her yard to the fence as people walk by. Youthful chatter drifts by as kids enjoy the last bits of summertime, making me wonder when the buses will begin to rumble through the mornings again. I think I'll do some laundry after I shower - maybe I'll tell you my basement story tomorrow. But I believe I've successfully poked my head out of my sad, little hole and can continue to slow struggle back to reality.