Thursday, March 20, 2008

Static

There is noise - the rattle in my chest as I try to breathe, an occasional sniffle and frequent sigh. I slept poorly last night but napped well today. My laptop is completely full of data and I badly want to finish something so I can back crap up and delete it.

I talked to someone from Industry Giant today. We've played phone tag for six days now and when we finally spoke, she wanted to confirm the interview date. Given that I was the one who selected it, I happily said it worked well for me. Then I waited expectantly and she eventually told me she'd pass my information on to someone who would deal with travel arrangements. It would have been difficult for me to imagine a more pointless encounter with HR.

I read reviewer comments today and got stuck on the nitpicky ones. Those that - even when fixed - make absolutely no difference at all. Which means I don't mind making the changes, but I am bothered that people are asses and feel the need to point out random garbage.

It's like a shower. There are separate streams and drops of water, but after some threshold it's just noise and spray. And rather than feeling clean and refreshed after standing in it, I feel sad. And it's because of work and prospective jobs and the thought of moving and being sick and being lonely.

It's not that the last one is new - it isn't and has been a recurring theme of what's written here. But between the anti-depressants and the thought of avoiding any entanglements before moving (Hush - that's my story. It has nothing to do with the fact that I won't actually try to meet anyone.), it doesn't seem like that big a deal. But today it does. Lately it has. It hurts so I cried - those slow tears that sort of slip down my face and make me cry for longer because I feel so ridiculously pathetic - and then I got more stuffy and started to cough, so I stopped, washed my face and sternly demanded I knock it off as I faced myself in the mirror.

Friend came out for dinner because I wanted company. Then we stopped and got orange juice and cold medicines and Kleenex. I took some Nyquil an hour ago - I should sleep soon.

So it's basically all nonsense - nothing all that worth mentioning emerging from the background.

6 comments:

Joy said...

Katie,

At times when you are so upset, you have to give yourself compassion, not stern demands to knock it off. I am still learning that myself, I know it's hard.

Remember how coming to this point was difficult- deciding to move on, rather than stay. That is past now.

This transition will not last. In due time, the timing will happen. Be patient and treat yourself well. :)

Mad Hatter said...

Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry. I agree with Joy--don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes we need to cry. I hope things get better and that you feel better soon.

post-doc said...

Joy,
Yours is an excellent point and I appreciate you making it. I tend to roll my eyes at my own behavior a good deal, which is less than kind. I'm also far from patient. But I'll try - and thanks again for the reminder.

Mad Hatter,
Thank you. I did need to cry, but I appear to be done now. And I share your hope that I feel much better soon. Colds and loneliness are both more uncomfortable than anything, but sometimes that discomfort reaches a point where it becomes truly painful. (See? It's after writing stuff like that when I have to roll my eyes at myself. I'll work on it.)

Mad Hatter said...

But perhaps that's why we have blogs--so we don't get up to give a presentation at a seminar, for example, and have those words involuntarily pop out of our mouths. Because then we'd have to roll our eyes at ourselves, and explain to the audience why we did that, and it just all goes downhill from there. :-)

post-doc said...

I've had the same thought before! In fact, I've told Friend that I should take some photos of my house and laptop and show screen caps of my blog when I give a seminar. Something entitled, "The Angst and Horror of Being a Postdoctoral Fellow. By Katie." We could read selections from my blog, talk about depression and therapy and medication, interview the guy who brings me pizza, and I could direct them to other online resources. It would be fantastic! In a 'congratulations - your career is over!' sort of way. :)

But, yes. If one is going to be sad and snarky, a blog seems a good spot to put it. Point taken. And not just because it was made in an utterly delightful way.

Anna said...

this joy person is wise. yes.

love you. feel better.

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