Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Dear Jonah Lehrer,

I am finding your book, entitled “Proust was a Neuroscientist” most enjoyable. I have been listening to it in my car while traveling to my parents’ house, then farther north for my interview. I am learning about both art and science and appreciate your attempt to give credit to researchers for work they do. While I feel sure that many would criticize some of your statements, I tend to listen to the story in a more general sense. It has made my drives easier and for that, I am grateful. Congratulations on the novel - it's very nicely done.

Yours in commuting, Katie

Dear City Drivers,

I am sorry. I know, I know. I made mistakes. This is most unfortunate and I’m sure you’re all in a great rush to get wherever it is you’re going. I too am a rather impatient driver and sympathize with your plight. However, excessive honking is not helpful. I whimpered with dismay when I missed my left turn, but I went ahead and wove my way through the gigantic buildings and damn one-way streets to backtrack. I did not cut you off nor make a U turn. So, relax. Please.

Honk honk, Katie

Dear Mr. Valet,

Thank you for taking my car. This is a city meant for walking and I desperately wanted to rid myself of the vehicle that caused me such trouble. People honk! And don’t let you merge! Do they not know I’ve lived in the south?

But you were very gracious and kind and though I don’t know where you took my little coupe, I’m very grateful that you did so. I hope you found some sunshine to stand in this afternoon and that you have a very nice evening.

Wishing you warm weather and big tippers, Katie

Dear Left Contact,

Why do you persist in being lost? Are you trying to punish me for thinking of and rejecting the idea of bringing an extra lens? Seriously? Fine. I’ll wear my glasses. I hope you’re happy.

Curses on you.

Dear Luggage Seller,

I did find my perfect purse, thank you. I liked the selection of black bags you had in the variety of styles. I finally decided on two handles rather than one. And though it took me a long, long time to decide between the square and rectangle styles, I was happy with my choice. And given that it was half off, I was rather pleased with myself over all.

It was nice of you to talk to me. I’ve lived in the south for a few years now - which you know because I told you - and I’m used to random conversation now. So I appreciate you asking if I was here for business or pleasure. And thank you for your wishes of luck on my interview - that’s very kind of you. Given that I walked and walked and walked to specifically find your shop, the good service made the trip worthwhile.

Dear Friend,

I did wear good shoes. And given that I forgot my coat, I bundled up in my sweater and walked briskly so as to shop without growing too cold. It was pleasant - I enjoyed the people and the breeze and the sunshine on one side of the street.

To show that I can do something other than whine about my three hours of shopping, I will say that I found a very cute cashmere sweater for $23. Originally? $189.00. Yes. I am that cool. I also found you a bra! Now I know this is an odd gift to get, but it’s your size! And if I thought that we might know each other too well - I know your size and desired characteristics in underwear from our numerous shopping trips - I was still pleased with my find. $10.99! Liz Claiborne! Beige! With a tiny decorative bow!

Now for the whining. I hurt. Back, feet, head. Shopping is hard. Walking and walking and walking (while carrying crap. Especially many bargain books for children that are heavy!) is also hard. I am tired.

Your friend, sans blisters, Katie

Dear Pizzeria Uno,

Many, many thanks. For the online ordering. For being close to my hotel. For the fantastic salad with the huge croutons and the individual pizza that was still too much food. For the excellent service and perfectly sized bag that enabled me to carry my meal back to the hotel to eat while watching television. You’re awesome and I very much miss your thick, buttery crust. God bless you and your food and your wait staff.

In cheesy, garlicky goodness, Katie

Dear “Elle,”

Congratulations on your job offer! I’m ever so proud of and pleased for you! And I’m very much looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I appreciate your gracious response when I invited myself to sleep in your living room tomorrow night. And please forgive me if I’m all shaky and freaked out from the honking and confusing streets when I pick you up tomorrow. I will try very, very hard not to total a car with you in it. Not again. But remember to fasten your seatbelt and scream if you see something wrong.

Yours in questionable traffic safety!

Dear Industry Contact who Insists on Ignoring Me,

Hey! What’s up? Thanks for responding to my latest email! So we’re going to talk? Really? Do you swear? Because I don’t really believe you. I mean, lying for good reason is actually kind of OK with me. But you can say no. Because this - I email, you ignore, I email again, you respond, nothing happens, start from beginning and repeat - process grows tiresome. But I remain interested enough (and challenged enough) to continue to poke at you. Let’s end this, shall we? You can do it! Email, phone call, meeting - let’s chat and make some decision.

Until then, I remain searching for the right job.

Dear Lovely People who Read My Blog and Wished Me Luck,

Thank you. And bless you. I appreciate the advice and your confidence in my ability - I shall endeavor to do you proud. And know that I will be taking mental notes so I can tell you all about it. If I knew your sizes and desired characteristics, I would buy bras for you too. And since I don’t think PhysioProf requires such an item, I shall try to avoid any mention of grossness for as long as possible. Oh, and I can tell you where I'm currently located if such a bit of information is interesting. If there's anything else you'd like to know (or not know as the case may be), you only need to let me know.

Much love, Katie


PhysioProf said...

True. Don't need no bras. Keep off the dog anal gland shit, and we're good to go.

Remember: The more people feel you are interested in their shit, the more brilliant they think you are.

Propter Doc said...

Dear Katie,

This post made me smile. I like the letter style. I'm sorry the car drivers were mean but glad the shopping was good - you got bargains. How wonderful! I hope the interview goes well and that the memory of yummy pizza does not distract you. Good luck.

Yours fingers-crossedly-typing,

PS I am relieved to know that Pysioprof doesn't need bras.

Brigindo said...

Love the post. I'm so with you on the driving. One of the many things I love about moving South is being allowed to merge (I, myself, am just beginning to get used to the random conversations).

Congrats on the excellent shopping day. I just left that town last week. Unfortunately I did not take partake in the pizza while I was there but I did have some wonderful tapas. I highly recommend Emillio's.

As for the interview, take physioprof's advice and remember you rock.

Can't wait to hear all about it.

TitleTroubles said...

Dear Katie,

I suspect that it doesn't take much more than one bra hunting trip with me for anyone to remember the size (why must large cup sizes also only have large chest sizes, lingerie world?) due to the copious complaining, and perhaps a rudimentary understanding of the physics of gravity. I also suspect that you may be growing tired of listening to me complain about the difficulty of the search. So consider your efforts most sincerely appreciated, even if it is perhaps evidence that we know each other a bit too well. (And bows can be removed.)

Thanks also for wearing proper shoes. I was certain you could find a different cause to whine even in the absence of blisters. Um, am I supposed to say something like, thank you for your cooperation in this difficult time?

Yours in undergarment impairedness,


Anonymous said...

Best. entry. ever. =)

You'll do well! Can't wait to see you!

- Elle

ScienceWoman said...

Hope the interview is going well. Really loved the letter format of the post.

Anonymous said...

this was a great post!

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