Snippets - the depression version

The bathroom floor thing
It has recently been brought to my attention that much of the worry I’ve caused during the past week has been triggered by the amount of time I spend on the bathroom floor. While I don’t – while feeling normal – think, “I don’t have anything going on. Think I’ll go hang out and try to nap in my guest bath.”, it’s probably not nearly as bad as you’re thinking it is.

When I was little, I had terrible headaches. I still do, but was less capable of dealing with them at that time. I’d often end up nauseated, and would naturally spend time in the bathroom in case I needed to be sick. There was no heating vent in the bathroom of our first house, so Mom kept a small space heater in there for bathtime. I adored the heater – it had a little knob on the right side of a metal box covered with contact paper that looked like wood – with the little knots and lines and everything. Then there was a metal grate on the front and thin threads inside. Kind of like a toaster, cut in half and with a fan to blow the warm air into the room.

I, carefully supervised, would turn the little knob to the appropriate strength, then settle myself on the floor to watch the threads inside start to glow orange. Then the room would get nice and toasty, and I’d be able to hear the gentle hum of the fan. So, when little Katie was sick, I’d retreat to the bathroom, snuggle into fresh towels that smelled of laundry detergent, and watch the space heater.

The space heater – Mom must keep it for sentimental reasons because it’s nearly 30 years old now – is in the basement. I’ve turned it on within the last couple years and it doesn’t smell pleasant. The dust has worked its way into every crevice and somehow that smell – burning dirt – isn’t so comforting. My parents decided, by the way, that since the bathroom in their current home has appropriate ductwork, there was no need for the heater to take up floor space. So the first time I was sick, Mom settled me in the bathroom – because I should win a prize at fighting back nausea, which means I’m sick for much longer, but I never actually have to throw up – gave me fresh towels and nodded when I ordered her to the basement to get the space heater.

“I need it.” I insisted pitifully. And agreed when she said she’d run a bath for me while I waited for her. By the time she returned, I’d curled up with my back to the bathtub, listening to the rush of the warm water, and had fallen asleep on and around the towels. So my new coping mechanism was bathwater, which is very wasteful, but easier to find if I happened to be away from home.

I took a lot of showers when upset in undergrad, but don’t remember hanging out on the floor. I think it’s also true that my moods are rather easily controlled by being around people. My girls seldom let me wallow – would leave me for only a short time before knocking and just waiting me out. Eventually I talk, and feel a bit better. I also had the option of going home, which was helpful.

Grad school found me on the bathroom floor a lot. A lot, a lot. When I got depressed and anxious so often, I decided it there was no reason to be physically miserable as well, so I started dragging a pillow with me. I’d cover up with my green terrycloth robe and cozy into the dark warmth, listen to the water, and feel safe. It’s where I can let go – cry and panic and feel – without trying so hard to stifle it. The lump in my throat goes away while I just deal.

So the bathroom thing is longstanding. It’s not good, but it – I hope – isn’t as bad as you were thinking. I recently spent so much time there – not as a way to inflict more pain, but as a way to offer some comfort – that I left the pillow and blanket and knew my safe place was waiting when things got too much.

The point in this story is that mild depression for years can develop some semi-effective coping mechanisms that are less than ideal when a more major episode hits. I’m mulling it over.

About Last Night
I rather adore Unnamed Friend. It strikes me as impossibly lovely that I would have taken anyone to hang out with since it’s quite lonely without local friends, but the person who found me ended up being truly smart, fascinating, endearing and lovely. I, unfortunately, don’t deserve her lately and I’m really used to deserving my friends. Being supportive and interested and good. And I will – I’m still pulling myself together, but I will be a better friend.

But, well, we’re opposite in several areas. 10:30PM found her wide awake. I was half asleep. But I have a laptop which I happily handed over while I shuffled off to bed. 6:30AM found me wide awake and her half asleep (probably trying to be all asleep, but between me (very quiet) and Chienne (not so much), I’m sure it was difficult). So I went for a walk, loving the cool weather over which I’m sure she frowns. Then I came home, the dog quickly woke her up despite my best efforts to avoid it, and we talked some more. It was good for me. I focused and cared and was relieved that the ability was starting to return.

Bad Moment – yet again
When she opened Firefox last night, my tabs appeared and Unnamed Friend said that she too was impressed with my site stats lately.

“I know!” I said, trying not to be too chipper (mornings are my favorite time of day) while she stared in her coffee cup. “Misery loves company. Or people can’t look away. Either or, I guess.”

I’m getting better though. I’m eating, so the sickness and shaking has eased a great deal. I slept last night. Well, for a while. I don’t know what time it was when I woke up – I moved my good alarm clock to the office and left the one I can’t really see in my room – and I knew I could wander out to the living room and talk (or sit or cry – whatever). I didn’t.

For whatever reason, every instinct in me screams for solitude in the bad moments. I can’t be around someone else. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. So when I woke up and realized I was quite upset, I thought about trying to leave the safety of my room. Then desperately tried to soothe myself when I panicked. So I stayed in bed, every muscle clenched, eyes tightly closed, and waited for it to pass. When the worst was over, I was damp with sweat and shaken, so I showered. Tried to creep quietly toward my master bathroom so I wouldn’t worry my friend. It relaxed me enough to rest again.

I’m not sure how long it lasted, but I’m not eager to repeat it. But I’m rethinking my strategy of getting up and moving around when I wake up at night. Perhaps I can wait it out and control the intensity. I’ll see.

Something nice
I got some work done today. It was relatively straightforward, but positive nonetheless.

I haven’t taken Tylenol PM since Monday. I had a nice problem going with that, so I’m somewhat relieved to have broken that habit while getting through this week.

I finally felt ready to open the guest room door and sit for a little while this evening. A sleepy Chienne – she sat up with my friend between trips down the hall to check on me – sat and yawned on my right while Sprout checked her out from my left. She actually seems much better – no lunging at all from the dog. He’s more jumpy though. But it’s coming along. He really wants out of that room, and the only way to do that is through her. They came within 4 inches of each other and he was purring and she wagged her tail. Turns out this “all in good time” thing might work out. Who knew?

I answered email today. I know it bothered me more than it bothered anyone else, but I’m relieved to have done it. Now I need to tackle my voice mail.

Thank you
If it hasn’t been clear (and I fear it’s been overly obvious), I’ve relied on the blog a bit to work through some of this. Used it as a lifeline and pictured being able to push the bad posts toward the bottom of the page with more positive entries. So whatever your reasons for reading or commenting or sending good thoughts, I’m very grateful. Especially knowing that I tend strongly toward being alone when I’m like this – unwell – it’s a comfort to have told someone what’s going on. I’m not sure why – not completely clear on my motivation – but it helped me. Thanks.