I got email from a friend a few days ago. He'd been without internet for about a week and realized how many other activities he enjoyed. I felt a twinge because of all the things I enjoy, the ways I relax and cope with stress, reading blogs and sending email are near the top of the list.
In an interesting twist, Thing #1 was right. 100 Things posts are a threat to anonymity. Within days, someone had correctly identified where I currently work. She was sweet and worried I'd take it badly. While it is a little strange - especially as I confirmed her guess, not wanting her to feel at all badly for offering her condolences on my friend - removing the blog (or even any entries) didn't seem at all tempting.
There was a parking structure on my undergraduate campus. After dark, these mesh gates lowered and the stairway doors locked to restrict access to the building. Once you swiped your ID, the gates would open and you could drive in or out. Elle's boyfriend at the time, an adorable guy, was an engineer.
"That gate is stupid." He said, leaning forward from the back seat and examining it. "I wonder if we could alter the machine to let anyone in."
"No idea." I said, smiling when Elle asked me if I was sure I really wanted to be an engineer. Wondered over my utter lack of curiosity for the little swiping machine.
"I guess we could always just cut the metal." He mused.
"Why would you want to take it down? The university would be mad. They put it up for a reason."
"Well, I'd take it down for a reason." He said, and I smiled, enjoying him and his answer.
In the wake of profound events - the death of a friend, a peer, someone I identified with a great deal - life feels a bit random. Futile. It doesn't make much sense. I've read my past couple entries and they ramble. I see that you're getting my point, but in making it, I'm redundant. Even more than usual. Which speaks to my state of mind, I guess, but it's a bit uncomfortable for me to read.
In terms of the blog, I put it up for a reason. Like that parking garage gate, I'm not sure exactly what the reason was. The gate was for safety, I guess. Insurance purposes. Protection against a relatively bad neighborhood surrounding campus. The blog helps me cope. Provides me access to some people I like a lot. Perhaps gives someone an idea that I'm struggling too. I know from Winnie that seeing someone have experiences like my own is a significant comfort. If I can give a small portion of that to someone, that's worthwhile. It's important to me.
Perhaps a bit too important lately. I don't know - feel small and unimportant, yet heavy with sadness and regret - for Winnie's lost potential or the idea that I'll waste my chance at reaching my own goals, I'm not sure. I'm hoping that heading north to my parents' will offer some clarity. I'm leaving the laptop behind (and I even think I mean it! Seriously!), though I can use their ancient desktop while there. So I'm going to laugh with the Little One, get hugs that I desperately need, help paint the kitchen, take walks around the route I've used for 20 years or so.
I understand that I need to let the hurt linger. You all understand too, and that's lovely and comforting. I also accept that I tend toward extreme introversion at times like this. Withdraw and wallow. Yet I have important things left to do. Professional and personal. And much as I draw comfort from long walks with Chienne, naps throughout the day because I'm not sleeping well at night, TNT (They do, in fact, know drama.), and waiting patiently for you all to write something new for me to read, it's not exactly productive.
I'm hoping that a few days with parents who don't believe much in wallowing will help me move on from here. Until then, I still don't know exactly what to say. Perhaps this weekend will help me figure it out.