Saying something

I've been writing. Honestly. I just can't finish anything.

I have slept until I can't sleep anymore, which leads to terrible nights where I'm frantic with worry over meaningless problems.

I'm finishing up some revisions on a paper, so while I'm spending time at the laptop, writing for work is surprisingly more appealing than writing for fun.

I'm not fond of myself lately - I'm either vicious and irritable or mopey and depressing. While I have documented such instances in the past, I hesitate to do so again because... Well, I don't really know.

Here's part of it. Awhile ago, I made some friends who read this. That was nice. New, interesting, all that good stuff. Then email slowed or ceased, and said friends stopped reading. Which is fine and understandable. I was telling Charlie that I appreciate cycles of readers because my problems are so damn constant. It's not difficult to keep up, right? I don't have an overall plan at work - I'd probably like to leave in a year or two, so I'm frustrated with my lack of quick progress. I'm alone, but doing nothing to fix that situation. I believe in God, but don't talk to Him so much lately. I have a family I adore, but they live relatively far away. Same goes with friends.

But nothing changes. In knowing that someone could read for a month and pretty much know all there is to know, I'm apathetic. Feel like I'm telling the same basic stories with slight twists for new people.

Added to that is I don't like thinking too much lately. Would rather be mindlessly busy than cuddled in thoughts of what I want and where I'm going and what I've learned. It just seems pointless right now.

I sent email to Dryden saying I felt disconnected. Keep trying to act based upon what seemed appropriate. If I looked at something or someone and thought, "It seems like I should care about that." then I'd simply act as though I did.

This blog has been important to me. It seems like I should care that I won't finish anything to post. So I'm saying something to indicate that I might care a little bit.

It's shockingly difficult though. So I'm left feeling frustrated because I should be able to do this! It's not assigned or graded, so why can't I just write? It's just not there, folks. I can't seem to connect with anything or anyone for long enough for it to be meaningful.

It seems like that should make me sad.