I've started three posts. They are all quite terrible. To the point where I get 3 paragraphs down, and make a face at the screen because I don't even care and it's my lame story! So, no. Not publishing any of it.
In the absence of even a mildly entertaining whine, I don't really know what to say. My day was not so interesting. In fact, there wasn't a single moment that even reminded me of a fascinating event in my past.
Just more histograms. Retrospective studies - especially when you're just looking for "something interesting" can be a tremendous amount of work. Everyone has ideas and while I think I'm only trying the most reasonable ones, I feel a bit like I'm running in circles. Which - if you've ever run in circles, you'll know - keeps me quite busy, but it's really boring. Tiny changes to the code, looking at different sections of the data, color-coding results and graphs so I'm sure I understand each step before moving on to the next idea. It's more or less mindless work at this point, but I'm very focused to avoid silly mistakes.
So, seven months ago today I decided I had some things to say. Found myself running in a different circle - leaving work too early, driving home to spend time alone, watching television, feeling isolated and sad. I've learned a lot from some of you - feel great affection for leaving comments (I still get nervous when commenting elsewhere, so it's a big deal when you say something to me), smile over certain cities that have become familiar listings on site statistics. I've read your blogs for longer than I've written this one and I'm always impressed with how genuine and brave you seem. To put feelings and events out there and hope people can understand and accept what you're trying to say.
Some problems are constant here - I wonder if they're just part of being me. But I've improved some areas - started to see myself a bit more clearly, made a couple of friends, read a lot of good stuff from those folks in my list of links. I mention it a lot, but it's a significant comfort to know you're out there. That the world contains people who listen and are much more likely to leave kind comments or say nothing than they are to inflict pain or anger on someone. It makes me more careful of what I say, of the attention I give people. So I'm grateful, as always, and tired, as I often am.
Not all that different than usual, yes? Just no story today.
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2006
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June
- Out of practice
- My thoughts on singing
- Beauty
- Bees, paws and prancing
- The State of My Manicure
- Resembling clarity
- And so it begins
- It's not that something's bad, it's that nothing's...
- So, so close
- Puppies and polar bears.
- Let's say I'm a polar bear.
- The more things change
- Um...
- Torn shingles
- The talk? It's over.
- Another weekend, another template change
- The histogram post
- Me too.
- Too much
- You get your grade at the end of the course.
- Gown and flowers and cake and guests and ...
- Bored? Yep, I thought so.
- In memory of snow
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June
3 comments:
I'm a new reader of your blog (for a couple of weeks now), and I love it. I identify with so much of what you share, and I always look forward to your new posts.
A lovely new reader, and a pretty new blog to read?! This has, quite seriously, been the best part of my day. Thanks for letting me know that you're around!
It seems like something I wrote (and not post), so thanks for posting. I feel the same way all the time. I get in and out of it, but mostly in. I moved to this new place a year ago, and am still trying to acclimatize. I have not done it fully, but am not going to lose hope. I even like all this - new people, new culture, new experiences etc. But sometimes it gets overwhelming. And there's grad school (there's always grad school). All the more reason to question where I am and where I'll be, all the time. Life's tough, I guess. At the same time it's been great meeting you. It reminds me that all is not so bad. I've begun to think significant problems will not change, by change of place. I have to work on them. That's hard, you know. But I'm working. It's a long lonesome, insane trip.
Yes, trying to find something interesting sucks. Come to think of it my prof. has seldom agreed with me on what's interesting. I have never done significant work, only minor "contributions" (I don't know if the word is apt, but I like it). So you're not alone there too. In fact I thought I was alone, but everybody around seems to be doing the same.
Reminds me of something my English teacher in high school said - "A person grows in three stages: In the first she thinks she knows everything. Then she figures out she knows nothing, and in the end realizes nobody knows anything". Sounds dramatic. But I think it's true.
Anyway, I hope you feel better (at least feel not so lonely). Hope you have peace, love and lucidity always, my friend.
PS: I still feel jittery to leave blog comments.
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