Out of practice

I opened a program today that I haven’t used in about a year. In the beginning, I installed everything on my computer at work that I might need. But I didn’t have data, so the software went untouched for a long period of time. I decided, staring at my computer screen, that I was completely lost. Quickly blaming the newest release, I downloaded the more familiar version.

“Well, hell.” I muttered. “I don’t really remember this either.” So I made some guesses, pushed buttons that seemed logical. Backed up a couple times, started over a few more. And eventually that knowledge returned. Countless days spent in my grad school cubicle, writing scripts and calling functions and playing in this software package were worth something. After successfully giving it adequate information, I watched graphs appear, trying to remember how to read them.

I stayed late, resisting the urge to pack up and bring everything home. I did that, actually, but only after finishing with that particular program. I lost notes on how to transfer the data from one environment to another, so I’ve been playing with that tonight – trying to remember processing steps that I could once do mindlessly.

It comes back. It’s definitely not like learning something new. That’s frustrating on a different level, and I’m good enough at being impatient to understand there are different types of learning pains. I took a break from my muddled revisions – loving the feeling of working on something that I was sure would be published. It’s a different feeling for me than working on new projects. There’s hope for them, but precious little confidence. This little paper found a journal on my third try. So I’m peering carefully at figures, trying to recall the tricks to programs, reading text aloud because someone might actually read it.

It turns out that I’m also painfully out of practice with multi-tasking. At one point, I was happiest when working on at least two projects in the same day. Attending meetings for one, then collecting data for another. Mentoring on a third in the afternoon, then back at home to read for the thesis that integrated all of them. Yet today exhausted me – I was left feeling unfocused and overwhelmed. Continued to think about my software woes during a seminar. Am impatient with reasonable requests on other projects because I’m used to having more than enough time to focus on one idea and think all the way through it.

Apparently I’m also not so good at composing blog posts of any quality after days like today. Can’t answer email or pull thoughts together. I just want to rest. Working for more than 12 hours didn’t phase me at one time. Either I’m aging really rapidly or my painfully slow start at post-doctoral research has left me reeling under a relatively light workload.

I’ll get there – adapt and adjust. Until then, bear with me. I don’t even have time to feel overly sorry for myself because I’m so incredibly tired. I can't think of any stories or come up with a decent analogy. I vaguely remember an idea on how I was quite surprised and embarrassed when I realized my pretty white shirt was incredibly sheer, but the humor and entertainment value escapes me at the moment.

I have hopes for writing something more interesting tomorrow - for the manuscript as well as the blog. Cross your fingers for me.