Nothing to see here...

I have many posts started here within a 2 page document. But nothing is flowing – I can’t make the words appear and keep changing topics in hopes of hitting inspiration but am failing spectacularly. So rather than posting something not even I find remotely interesting, I’m going to wait another day.

I think the lack of reading, which is something I do with tremendous amounts of free time I sometimes don’t have, is affecting my ability to write. Without taking in all the thoughts and stories of others, I can’t put my own together very well.

I also notice that when I work in solitude, not talking to anyone, I can’t talk very well. It’s hard for me to put sentences together – I stutter and choose the wrong words, sounding like an idiot. So I’m stuttering now, unable to find a compelling topic on which to write semi-intelligently. But I miss being here – posting new things and reading to myself as I attempt to figure out what’s in my head.

So this is just a little pep talk for me, and a note that I’m spending hours in the car tomorrow heading home. So I’ll have plenty of time to gather my thoughts and get ready to write again. And when I arrive at my house to the lovely wireless router and cable modem located in my office, I’ll be able to read everyone again. I sigh with anticipation even as my heart tugs with the thought of not seeing my family again for several weeks.

The bittersweet feeling lingers, even as I wait to connect via dial-up one last time, savor the quiet as my parents sleep, and continue to put things by the door. The gift this year was being here – it wasn’t always easy, but it’s rare that I can spend more than a week just being a daughter again. Cell phones and email just aren’t the same as being physically present, and as much as I complain, I wish just a little bit that time would slow so that I don’t have to leave again, watching Mom and Dad wave from the front door as I once again trek back my house, somehow not quite home at either location.