I tend toward being liberal – I like people in general, and feel like if you’re not hurting anyone, you pretty much can do what you like. I long ago decided that everyone has their issues with God – even the most religious person can’t say he’s never had to go before the Lord to beg forgiveness. We’re all beautifully flawed, so I try to have my own deal with God and allow you yours. Mostly.
If you’ve seen a political map, you’ll notice that parts of the Midwest, especially those away from major urban areas, are red. If you move south, as I have here recently, it only gets more red. The thing is, these people are lovely down here – kind and gracious and helpful. And in my liberal view, I once decided that there was something wrong with them – that they must be hateful and ignorant. I’m not at all sure that’s the case now, and I’m pleased with myself for that realization. So as I walked through the mild afternoon breeze to my car that has yet to be covered with any frost, let alone snow, I realized I was feeling quite good about living here, much as that might horrify some folks I knew in grad school. And, it turns out, one I knew in undergrad.
The problem comes when people generalize. The arguments stop being reasonable and focused and deteriorate into the screaming matches that you had with your roommate when she thought you were bothered by the dishes that she didn’t do, but you’re really yelling at her for all the times she didn’t clean the kitchen and bathroom. And that time she borrowed your CD without asking. And then scratched it! Or how she flirted with that boy you liked, even though she had a boyfriend. Whore. And she still owes you $10, which you’d like back sometime, thank you. And she ate your carrot cake, which you had been carefully saving for later. Selfish.
So, I get tired – I feel like arguments just get redundant – people keep saying the same things ad nauseum (see how I said people got redundant, then rephrased to say it again, therefore being redundant myself. Nice.), and never answer any new questions or address the real concerns. If I ask a question, do not belittle it or say it’s not a reasonable question. There’s no faster way to alienate me and make me dig in my heels. I think the problem is the feeling that the “other people” whoever they are, are ignorant or stupid or mean. Then rather than talking about the issue at hand, you feel it necessary to educate someone in all the problems facing the nation. Someone’s always ruining everything.
I was emailing a friend and a politically-oriented topic came up. I knew I'd disagree with her, but felt like I should hear the arguments so I could more carefully consider the issue. I ended my 4th response (argument is getting petty and repetitive at this point, so I'm trying to conclude the discussion) saying that we all wanted pretty similar things. When you’re talking about moderate people (who I believe are dominant because they're who I know), we’d like things to be fair and for people to have a nice shot of being happy. I hate to see people suffer, and don’t mind paying taxes to help them. I don’t mind making charitable contributions, and have looked closely at my finances to ensure that I’m giving as much as I can. I’m sincere when I say that I believe that people are good and that we all want positive things for each other.
To which my friend replied, I don't think there's much that conservatives or liberals share right now. It's about as divided as it can be. I can see the other side of the fence...but it's filled with so much hatred and bigotry and general nastiness most of the time these days that I can't imagine ever agreeing with any of it. And I wanted to kick her in the shin. Hard. Because I think she's saying I'm on the other side of this fence. I don’t think there is hatred – I think there’s anger. And it’s caused by someone saying I’m a hateful, nasty bigot. And that there’s no way you could “ever agree with any” of my opinions. I think that many conservatives are irritated, not necessarily by liberal politics, but by the fact that so many people who live in the “big city” feel that they’re so much more informed and educated. Or vice versa – liberals feel attacked by conservatives and have lost so much lately that there’s an imbalance of power that must be fought. And that sucks – truth be told, I was much more bothered that everything was Republican-dominated than by Presidential results in the last election.
It’s that attitude she expressed – that seeing the other side is truly seeing evil somehow – that continues to separate me from politics. I don’t know what the answer is in terms of coming together, but I know I ended that particular discussion, writing
I can't do this anymore. I'm not involved with the general political scene for this very reason - I find it absolutely infuriating that - you know what - screw it. I don't think we're very far apart at all in what we think and want, but there are a couple of points that we'll disagree on. And though I doubt it was your intent, I was hurt by a couple things you wrote so rather than try to subtly try to hurt you in return, I'm quitting.
This may be a case of you becoming passionate about some issues (which is fantastic and vital and I'm proud of you) with which I disagree, at least on some points. And my desire to be validated by having someone understand what I'm trying to say is rivaled only by wanting to be liked. So I don't know where we go from here. But I'm out for now.
Basically, I don’t like being angry – I hate feeling like I’m talking in circles and wasting my time. I honestly have more enjoyable things to do. I’m reading Alan Furst, and while some horrific things have happened before page 100 (hell, before page 10), it’s incredibly well-written. I look forward to certain blogs, and have refreshed one many times today trying to get a weekend recap. I’m trying to finish a proposal and abstract within the next couple of days – perhaps I’ll go to Italy in the spring, and that would be darn cool. I like to laugh. I like to think – hear what other people’s interests and views. And I’m not awful – I truly would like to help you out, and if you offer me a good way to do that, I’ll try. But being condescending or belittling what I already believe is not a great way to change my mind. In fact, I started out leaning slightly toward the conservative way of thinking on the particular issue we debated. By the end of the discussion, I was rabidly in favor of many things conservative. Why? Because she pissed me off!
In the end, I’d rather watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report than Anderson Cooper* though. I can sleep after the former combination, while the latter keeps me awake – wondering where we’re going, what role I should play, what my thoughts are – independent of my family and current environment, what responsibilities I have. And I do enjoy sleep. I don’t want to be lazy – I want to be informed and passionate. But where do you find the energy? Some days I come home from work so mentally exhausted that I can’t bring myself to decide what to do for dinner. I grab my box of Wheat Thins or some yogurt and sit on the couch. Just sit – try to recharge, find some energy. I don’t want to feel bad, and will seek distractions if I start to mentally wander in some upsetting direction.
But if I don’t participate in some dialog – become aware of what people think and say – how do I expect to initiate any change, to make my voice heard, to feel like I’m doing something to deserve being part of this society? But it infuriates me to have people try to make me feel badly for having an opinion. I don’t like being wrong – I’ll admit that. But when I argue, I work hard at remaining polite and open to new opinions. I notice, much to my dismay, that the longer I listen, the more closed off I become, certain that I’m better, more knowledgable, more reasonable and that my opinions must matter more than yours.
If you watch the Colbert Report (and if not, do yourself a favor and get a dose of the truth), and you caught the interview with Anderson Cooper (who was too adorable for words – did you see how his whole face scrunches up when he laughs?), you might remember Stephen saying something about facts again. I can’t quote directly because it was a couple days ago and I starting to drift into sleep, but he was talking about how he doesn’t like facts, because facts can change. But his opinion never will. And I think that’s what we’re facing, so I find the Report equal parts hysterically funny and strangely profound. I think it highlights what we as a nation face – passionate politics that have erased any sort of ability to see the other side without animosity.
And that’s sad – I think we all want things to be better. If you want to work, you should have a job – one that pays well and offers you access to all the healthcare you’d want or need. If you do something bad, you should be punished, but in a reasonable and humane way. You shouldn’t spend more than you earn. You should help people who need it – whether you see them every day or you’ll never meet. We’re a rich nation – people shouldn’t feel hungry. They should be able to learn effectively – from the time they’re born until they die. I don’t think anybody’s evil here, but if you don’t fight fair, I might just change my mind.
*I will point out that CNN always wins over Fox News. Because Fox News makes me mad sometimes too. Which probably couldn't have fit into this post somewhere, but now I'm tired from being angry about politics.
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