First, you have to find the hospital.

I finally got my file today. After almost 10 pages to the dreaded beeper, 4 conversations, and 2 missed meetings, I figured out a time to meet the Resident. My office is located outside the hospital, so when he asked me to meet him at a workstation in critical care, I wanted to know how to get there. I have an extremely poor sense of direction, and easily become paranoid, get turned around and become lost. It’s my extreme desire to not look stupid that distracts me and lands me not knowing where to go next – then I have to look idiotic and ask someone for help.

Anyway, I had this little scrap of paper with his pager number on it (though I now have it memorized), and I took it to the phone so I could write down where he was. I sometimes relax and find places when I have written directions to consult. Since I can see the hospital from any door I exit, I figured it couldn’t be that complicated. But there were 3 different way to get to the hospital, each with at least 2 entrances. Then I had to find one set of elevators – apparently magical in that they, and only they, went to the top of the multi-level hospital. That’s apparently what happens when you build something and add on. Some elevators stop at 4, others go only as high as 8, and some make it all the way to the top.

My scrap of paper was filled with directions. If/then statements on how to find the elevators, the difference between service and patient elevators and how if you found this magical set, then they’d each take me to the file I needed to obtain. However, depending on the set of elevators I took, there were different hallways, turns, landmarks… all carefully recorded on a very crowded note.

I walked out of my office, headed down the hall, and promptly headed in the wrong direction. In giving me excessive choices, the Resident had me completely turned around. I wasn’t sure how to even approach the hospital filled with countless entrances, lobbies and banks of elevators. Luckily, I ran into my boss (who already knows I can’t find new places) and asked him where the main elevators were in the hospital. I rambled on quickly about how it was important that I find this particular set. I could take the patient or service ones, and held out my scribbled note that hadn’t helped me at all so far.

Close to retirement, and having enjoyed considerable success in the field, Boss still reminds me of a grandfather – benevolent, patient and wise. He smiled at me.

“First you have to find the hospital. Then you go from there.”

I must have continued to look confused, because he continued, turning to point down the hall.

“If you go straight out those doors, you’ll walk right in front of the main entrance. Walk through the lobby, take the elevators up and there will be signs.”

In 2 sentences, he simplified my indecipherable scribbles, enabling me to easily find my location.

The Resident wasn’t there, so I had to page him from my cell phone. Then I couldn’t get reception (freaking hospital), so I had to call my voice mail to hear that he had been called away and would soon return. So I backed away from the workspace and leaned against a wall to stay out of the way. Only then did I see the sign cautioning against cell phone use in these patient areas. I had been leaning against it while making my calls. Feeling like I needed a sign announcing that I was stupid, I winced and continued to wait.

It was lunchtime, and staff members were delivering meals to patients on the floor. The covered plates were joined by fruit cups and juice on the stacks of trays. I remembered those being delivered to family members while I sat beside them. Think about something else, I warned myself. I don’t like to get upset at work, but hospitals – the smells, the routine, the bustle of staff and stress of family members – evoke uncomfortable memories. I considered leaving, but knew I’d have to return later. I needed that file.

The Resident arrived, we shook hands and I had time to think he looked tired, but smart. He handed me a large file, and tried to explain some of what it contained. His beeper continued to demand attention though, and he apologetically excused himself. His interest in the project was clear – he wanted to share what he learned and hear what I was planning, but other responsibilities were more demanding.

I hope I get to work with him – I’m sure he has insight and experience that would be valuable to me. But what I hope more is that I continue to seek the right people, like Boss, who are able to simplify the tangle of options that I always see. The ability to look at a sea of possibilities, whether in research or life, and condense them into something that can work is critical. I sometimes become paralyzed by making pro/con lists, continuing to think of yet another alternative rather than coming closer to an actual plan.

One day, I hope I see someone and am able to smile, and patiently give her a set of simple instructions. In a day where I finally accomplished a simple goal that has frustratingly eluded me in the past, that moment in the hallway will remain most memorable. The kindness and the wisdom – that’s what I want to see in myself. I just need to find a path within all these choices that will get me there.