See No Evil

Much like my sweet canine avoids the bright flash on my camera, I decided to squint against the glare of life today. I'm becoming overwhelmed and emotional and overly-sensitive of late.

It's the waiting to know about my future. I'm scared and uncertain and feel less than powerful in the whole process.

"My paper needed a third reviewer." Colleague said of the journal where I plan to resubmit Rejected Paper. "One said yes, another no, so they need another opinion."

My technique isn't as complex as his, but it is a new application of a given field of analysis. So I worry that it's not going to make it in upon resubmission. This makes me sad. I also find I'm annoyed that I continue to obsess over it. If Boss would just read it, I could make some decision and stop thinking about it. But now I wonder if the paper should go elsewhere now. If so, where?

Then there are the other two who are currently under review. Penguin's that they're hoping to get past the editor without a re-review. Grants that are going out with minuscule chances of bringing in money soon. It just seems hard right now to find motivation to do more work.

Boss said he was very proud I'd made it this far in the interview process and would be happy to write me a letter. Carrie replied with a surprised but thrilled flurry of congratulations. She forwarded me her statement today and I readily approved everything she wrote. Quiet Mentor's assistant emailed a letter this morning and mailed the hardcopy this afternoon. Advisor wrote this afternoon to offer his congratulations and told me he'd send a letter as soon as possible. He knows Director (which is how I got the invitation to visit) so I was relieved when he said he thought the position would be an excellent fit for me.l My honest assessment is that I've worked for very good people and the ones I've selected will say very positive things.

Carrie's husband had to make a phone call to an interview reference. "He said it was awful." Carrie noted. "The guy said the applicant wasn't organized or smart. He was a terrible researcher and only a mediocre teacher. After it was over, Husband wanted to call the applicant and tell him to pick a different reference. A big name in the field won't help at all if he's going to say you suck."

My references will be complimentary in writing. I did offer their contact information to Director and assume that if the letters are satisfactory, he'll talk to some of them. In that case, they'll be honest. I think that's important and have encouraged all of them to be candid. The conversations don't worry me - I was forthright about my skills and experiences when I visited. But it's now out of my hands. Thank you notes were sent. Requests for references received and in progress. The thought of waiting while I'm analyzed and evaluated is tough. I don't particularly like this.

So I ignored all of it today. I answered a couple of emails, but otherwise relaxed. I took a nap. Read a book. Took an longer route on Chienne's walk. Watched television and played a computer game. There were things I could have done - measurements to make, files to organize, code to write - but I decided I didn't feel like fighting my mopey attitude to accomplish anything.

I'll get back to it tomorrow. It will all wait until then.