Monday, May 14, 2007

Petite

Today was composed of hours devoted to small tasks. A meeting here, an experiment there. A few errands in which I dropped off or picked up bits of work. I deposited a check and did some shopping online. I mindlessly clicked buttons and busily backed up precious data. I endured a long commute in the morning and one only slightly shorter back home.

I wanted today's experiment to go well, braving the long drive yesterday despite lingering illness to ensure that all was prepared for this afternoon. It went beautifully - it was my first patient for that particular project and her follow-up data was gorgeous. It seems a small thing - less than an hour to collect data, a couple hours to process all of it. But in terms of feasibility and building confidence, it was quite important. I'm pleased.

I also wrote email to Dr. Counselor. Being done with a particular therapist is fine, I think. But I feel abandoned, as silly as that sounds. Like I wasn't progressing fast enough or doing well enough so I don't get to go anymore. While I was sitting this afternoon, waiting for my experiment and taking care of little tasks, I composed a quick note. I asked him to send the referrals since I didn't feel it was necessary to meet one last time. I'm hurt and offended and no longer wish to deal with him.

He replied with a message that sounded confused. But he did think - if I decided I was done working with him - that we should meet again so he could give me his blessing in person.

Now if I was an adult, I suppose I'd go to the appointment and gracefully end our time together.

Instead, I deleted the appointment from my calendar, smiling when Google wanted to confirm, asking "Delete Dr. Counselor?" I decisively clicked yes. I also replied to the email that he was the one who said we were done. I thanked him as politely as I could manage and reiterated that I don't particularly want one last session.

Then I went to the bathroom and cried.

It's a small thing - losing a therapist I happened to like and was likely ready to leave anyway - but it matters somehow. So I'd rather analyze data and watch TV than think about it, leaving you with a rather lame blog post.

I guess what I told Dr. Counselor is true. I am much better - productive and busy and capable of functioning. I didn't get all the way better and I am hurt that I no longer feel comfortable going to him, but I think I did get what I needed. Maybe.

3 comments:

diss daisy said...

Hi Katie. Please take this in the loving manner that it's intended: you're a dork. =) Dr. Counselor wants to see you again! And you're hurt because he doesn't want to see you anymore. But he does! You're the one refusing to see him again! Do you see how this is circular?

Anyway, hope you feel better soon, and that you follow up with those referrals. It's hard to admit we need help just to be us, but ... sometimes we do. I'm glad Dr. Counselor has been helpful (though he does sound like a bit of a dork to me...! ;-))

post-doc said...

Daisy-
I know. Really. You're right about both me and Dr. Counselor. But I fear I shall remain stubbornly dorky about this one. :)

JustMe said...

change is hard, it's ok that this change with dr. counselor is difficult. i am glad things are better though, and i hope they continue on that trajectory. thanks for all your support with my issues, by the way ;o)

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