Tuesday, March 01, 2011


If I were to admit that I reached age 32 without having sex, one might call me shockingly virginal.

If I confessed to having 3 men in some state of serious undress in my bed on the first, second and third dates, all within the span of about 2 weeks, one might call me a bit of a hussy.

I could argue with neither as both are true.

The most common question, of course, is why?

The first answer, for longtime readers, makes a sort of sense. I'm wildly introverted, trust few people and would rather acquaintances work for my attention so I'm able to grudgingly let them know me. And while I find sex and intimacy completely fascinating, it also seems important. A profound connection with someone you love, at least in some variation of the word. So while I don't judge those who indulge in sex of the less profound variety (and rather like hearing stories, actually), I've not been able to do it.

And, so, well, I've not done it.

Despite long-suffering crushes and some reasonably serious (in that they lasted a long time, not in that there was physical stuff) relationships, I've remained untouched.

As for the second part, I decided, apropos of aging, that it was time to gain some experience. Perhaps, I decided, it would make me less neurotic! Or outgoing or settled or sure of what I wanted in terms of romantic relationships. After all, I didn't ever decide not to have sex. It was more like I neglected to engage in it. So with a little focus, I set about accomplishing my goal.

It started in October (or maybe September - I don't tend to procrastinate when there's an important task to complete) and I'd soon identified a likely candidate and acquired some very nice lingerie. I began reading Cosmo again to brush up on my 'how to' knowledge and invited a complete stranger to spend the weekend at my house. (I reasoned that it was mostly like getting a massage. And instead of money for a backrub, we'd exchange orgasms and call it 2 days well spent.)

He came. Things happened (I'll tell you tomorrow - I have it written out). And he left about an hour after he arrived, neither of us having accomplished the stated objectives.

Then there was Will (and, simultaneously Doug). (Not in that there were 3 of us together, but in that I was dating both of them during the same weeks in time.) And while there were several desperately sexy encounters with Will, there was not intercourse. I can sum it up by saying I wanted but didn't feel I should.

It's the exact opposite with Doug. I feel I should - he's attentive and sweet and supportive and wonderful - but the desire isn't there. I love him - think he's adorable and funny - but I panic when I think of him inside me. I just can't. So now we're friends. Which means we still go to dinner and I give him rides to the airport at 4AM and he brings over dinner and wine but we don't kiss goodnight.

"What's up with the boys?" Sibling asked last night over dinner and I opened my mouth to answer and closed it before shrugging. Because I don't know.

She asked if I might be pregnant as I've been rather tired and moody of late and I smiled and shook my head, oddly flattered that she thinks I'm normal enough to have sex.

On the off-chance that writing this out helps me understand it better, I'm telling sexy stories. And, I suppose, opening myself for questions or suggestions. (Other than 'why?' because I'm not sure that I know.)


Brigindo said...

I've long felt that we do a huge disservice to both men and women when we get hung up on sex and sexuality as intercourse/penetration. There is so much more to it: mentally, emotionally, and physically. The idea of who is and isn't (or what does or doesn't make) a virgin seems rather silly to me.

Likewise our sexuality is something that develops over time. We are sexual beings our entire lives but how we express it can change rather dramatically dependent upon context. I personally think sexuality (very broadly defined) needs experimentation. Perhaps one's whole life but certainly at some critical points. It sounds like you've reached a critical point (I also have a whole theory on women turning 30 and finding their 'sexual voice' but I won't go into that here).

Enjoy yourself. Do what is safe for you and what pleases you and try not to get hung up on labels.

Anonymous said...

Yep, I came by to say the same thing as Brigindo. I suffer from vestibulitis and while PIV has been rare, I have had a lot of sex.

I am going to stay anonymous for this one.

Anonymous said...

An unusual question, but, have you ever felt attraction for women?

post-doc said...

Brigindo - As ever, this was thoughtful and kind. The plan was to enjoy myself but it sort of turned into this 'just do it' goal.

Anon 10:35 - I've done some reading and wondered if I might have a physical problem. But my sense is it's all mental with me. And while I completely agree that sex is broadly defined, I feel compelled to experience penetration. I blame society. :)

Anon 11:06 - Perfectly fair question. I have not felt an attraction to women. No crushes or feelings other than friendship. So that makes the situation somewhat less complicated, I suppose.

Anonymous said...

Then I would say that you just haven't met the right person. There are two approaches you can take.
One is to just go for it and get the first time over with. Stop putting so much emphasis on the act and get that part done and then you may find that finding the person you have chemistry with is easy. Once the pressure is out of the way, your mind can relax.

Alternatively, wait for that person you have the spark with and then experience the first time with them. You can build up to it, to allow your anxiety to melt away slowly as you become more comfortable with your nudity in front of another person.

Anonymous said...

Katie, Have you played around with toys? You can try the ones that involve insertion and those that don't and see what you like. toys in babeland and good vibrations are both good sites to try.


suzy pepper said...

I relate to you, a lot. The wild introversion and everything. (Also, your sexy stories are awesome. Attagirl. Go get 'em, tiger.)

Anonymous said...

What Brigindo said.
Also, about being attracted to women -- I had never been interested. I'm married to a guy. And then I met one that, well, inspires my fantasies quite a bit... (which, admittedly, I find rather confusing)

life_of_a_fool said...

I do like the juxtaposition of your two disclosures. :)

I do think there's too much mystique put on "the first time," which makes me understand your "just get it over with" approach. Which is not to say that's the right (or wrong) way to approach it. As others say, you should do what feels right to you, when it feels right to you, and with whom it feels right, for whatever reason(s).

Anonymous said...

I love you, Katie, for who you are. It's easy to feel pressured to do things on a "schedule" society tells us we should follow. Do what's right for you, and that's all that matters.


Anonymous said...

Just to clarify, I meant "love" in the "girl friend" kind of way, not the erotic sense. : ) I suppose it's an issue of word usage that may be distinct for different regions of the U.S.

Anyway, you are wonderful.


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